Crabby Cornelia

If there were a competition to find the grouchiest female poker dealer in Las Vegas, my nomination would be Cornelia from the Bellagio. I have yet to see that ugly cunt smile once.

I'm still here

It's been a while since I posted. I can't seem to muster up the enthusiasm I once had for poker. Losing $40 buy-ins at the Excalibur is starting to wear on me. It can take weeks for me to rustle up $40.

On top of all that, my job search is proving both frustrating and fruitless. I applied for the position of dancing dealer at Planet Hollywood,  and was politely told they were only looking for female applicants. Well-known attorney, Pete P. Peters, is filing a gender discrimination lawsuit against Caesars Entertainment on my behalf.

On the home front, our shelter is undergoing renovations, so they've put us up temporarily in  an underground bomb shelter just south of Area 51. It makes for a nice change, but for some unknown reason my hair is starting to fall out. How much does a used Geiger counter go for these days?

Together and stronger

My worst bad beat ever

The day was last Saturday, June 24, 2017, the venue was the Bellagio poker room, the game 1/3, and the dealer was Austin. It wasn't a huge pot moneywise as I only had about $200 in front of me, but it will be one I'll never forget.

I was in the big blind with 9h9s, and called a $15 UTG raise together with 3 others.

The flop was 9c 9d Tc.

I flopped quads and it was checked around.

The turn was 6c, and being the first to act, I checked again, hoping someone caught a draw  or better and would bet. It wasn't to be and it was checked around again.

When Austin placed the 7 of clubs on the river, I knew that he should have chosen a career in magic rather than dealing.

I bet $50, all folded to the button, who had me covered and who went all-in. Not being in the habit of folding quads, I called and was shown 8c8s for the straight flush. Even though Bellagio does not have a bad beat jackpot,  thankfully this hand would not have qualified as both cards have to be used.

Summarizing, I was a 99.7% favorite on the flop, and this was the first time I've lost with quads. This is not the worst beat possible on the flop - 99 vs AA on a 995 flop is a 99.9% favorite against an ace on the turn and river - but I'm sure I'll eventually be dealt one of these as well once Austin has some more time to hone his skills.

Losing the minimum

The UTG player, a newcomer to our 2/5 table, raises to $20 and it folds around to me on the button. I look down to see AhKh and my first reaction is to 3-bet to $60. Something intangible about UTG's demeanor, however, makes me reassess, and I just call the $20 raise. We both have about $500 behind.

The flop comes K J 6 rainbow, and UTG bets $30. Once again I am tempted to 3-bet his ass, but end up just calling.

The turn is a blank, and UTG confidently pushes $100 across the betting line. Not wishing to commit my stack to TPTK, I fold facedown.

UTG proudly displays AA, and surprisingly I am nearly as pleased as he is.

Building an image

Sometimes I'll put myself on the Bellagio $10/$20 No Limit list, even though I haven't got enough in my pocket to buy a cup of coffee. There is usually only 1 game going and  I do this when the list is pretty long, but not long enough to warrant opening a new game.

I'll then disappear for about half an hour, wandering aimlessly in the pit, and upon returning to the podium, which is situated within earshot of the 10/20 table, will start lamenting loudly how I just lost $3,000 at blackjack and that I'm too tilted to sit down with my remaining  $2,000, and could they please take me off the list.

I'll then walk over to the table and, after getting  sympathetic nods from the seated players, wish everyone good luck and leave.

Selling 2017 WSOP action II

Some of you have asked why I am selling such a high percentage of myself, and why the insanely high markup?

These are legitimate questions and deserve an honest reply.

If, for example, I were to only play the $10,000 Main Event, owing to the 65% markup, I would be selling 97% of myself for $16,005, rather than $9,700. Now it's common knowledge that I don't have $30 to my name, let alone the $300 necessary for my 3%, so the high markup not only allows me to buy in to the tournament, but to also pocket a tidy risk-free profit regardless of the outcome of the event.

The more observant among you will immediately ask what incentive would I then have to play well? Or to even show up? The answer is that even a tramp such as myself dreams of making the Main Event final table.

Late Edit : I have just been contacted by a wealthy Nigerian investor who has agreed to stake me in as many events as I like, under the aforementioned terms. I therefore am no longer accepting any more offers and thank you all for the interest.

Selling 2017 WSOP action

In the next few days I'll be putting together a list of all the WSOP events that I intend playing this year. I will be selling 97% of my action with a markup of 65%. This package should sell out fairly quickly, so don't say I didn't warn you.

Happy Birthday

Today's my birthday and the boys at the shelter surprised me when I was presented with a fat envelope during our lunchtime meal. I was visibly moved and, after thanking everyone in an emotional speech, opened the contents and counted out $47 in $1 bills.

The gift is a welcome boost to my bankroll, which now stands at $47.63. My plan now is to vigorously grind the $2/$4 limit game at the Flamingo till I build it up to $120, at which time I'll have 3 min-buyins for Luxor's $1/$2 no-limit.

This is ultra-aggressive money management with an obscenely high risk of ruin. But hey, it's only 365 days till my next birthday.

Back in action

I have replaced the accordion I lost during the Vegas floods last August, thanks to a loan obtained through Kiva. Kiva is a non-profit organization that allows people to lend money via the Internet to low-income entrepreneurs and students in over 80 countries. Kiva's mission is “to connect people through lending to alleviate poverty".

With my superior busking skills, I figure it'll take 3 days to raise a $100 buy-in, and 3 minutes to lose it when my bottom set gets cracked by some imbecile's runner-runner straight. Poverty, therefore, will be alleviated, though not my own.

Time out

As far as poker is concerned, I've been going through a brutal downswing. I am therefore taking an enforced break and will be spending the winter studying for my GED.

Poker Hall of Shame XI

Congratulations to our new inductees, all of them key players in the 2016 WSOP Main Event :

Cliff Josephy : For leading the charge against "speech play" artist Will Kassouf, calling him a clown.

Gordon Vayo : For embellishing stories against Kassouf to gain group approval.

Michael Niwinski : For refusing to shake Kassouf's hand after the latter's elimination.

Griffin Benger : For his puerile outburst and behavior during the AA vs KK hand.

Jack Effel : For totally abusing his tournament director powers.


Will Kassouf, who introduced a breath of fresh air into an otherwise dull telecast, is the real hero here. So, I'll be rooting for Qui Nguyen to take it all down.

Setup on Table 10

I hate when a player asks for a new setup, or new deck of cards. I am, however, guilty of another form of setup, which I employ when I find the table needs an injection of humor. So, with the help of a cooperative dealer, the following went down on Table 10 last night :

Dealer : You're looking happy tonight.

Me : I just spent 2 hours screwing my girlfriend and her twin.

Dealer : How can you tell them apart?

Me : Her brother's got a moustache.

2016 Poker Hall of Fame

The ten finalists for the 2016 Poker Hall of Fame were revealed yesterday. They are (alphabetically) :

Chris Bjorin
Humberto Brenes
Todd Brunson
Eli Elezra
Bruno Fitoussi
Chris Moneymaker
Carlos Mortensen
Max Pescatori
Matt Savage
David "Devilfish" Ulliott

The above list of names will be submitted to the 25 living Hall of Fame members and a 20-person media panel later this month for voting, and 2 will be inducted.

There are names that I believe do not belong on the list, while I can think of a few names that should be on the list. And why the fuck have I been overlooked again? I fulfill all the criteria :

1. A player must have played poker against acknowledged top competition
2. Be a minimum of 40 years old at time of nomination
3. Played for high stakes
4. Played consistently well, gaining the respect of peers
5. Stood the test of time

Maybe next year.

Back from Rio

I've been away with the US Olympic Equestrian team and am looking forward to playing some poker again. This is my 4th Summer Olympics on the team, and no, I didn't win any medals - my job is to clean up after the horses.

Busto

Haven't played much poker lately thanks to a horrific stretch of runbad and coolers, which not only completely drained my bankroll, but now manifests itself in psychosomatic symptoms such as constant fatigue and occasional bouts of priapism.

QQ and the flop

It seems like every time I have QQ, an ace or king appears on the flop. This is substantiated by the math which puts the percentage at 41.43%. There is therefore the tendency to either check on the flop, or even fold when faced with a bet when an ace or king flops.

However, invoking Bayes' Theorem, the probability that our opponent is holding at least one ace, given that there is at least an ace on the flop, is 12.1%. This is the figure to keep in mind before thinking about ditching the ladies.

Slowrolling a slowroller

There's a 2/5 regular at the Aria who is notorious for his slowrolling. That and his constant walking from the table. He'll play for 10 minutes and then disappear for half an hour, especially when he's up.

So last week, holding QQ in a heads-up pot against this guy with betting pre-flop, post-flop and on the turn, I finally went all-in for my last $230 on the river. The board was ten high and jerkoff says "call", so I turn over my queens. Rather than show his cards, he slowly and methodically counts out the $230, $25 stacks at a time, a process that lasts about 10 seconds, and pushes it forward. Then, apparently as an afterthought, he turns over AA.

Fast forward to last night. Asshat raises to $25, there are 3 callers so I call rather loosely with 9s6s on the button. I put dickwad on AK or QQ+.

Flop : Ts Qs 4h

Shithead bets $75, and there are 2 callers including myself.

Turn : 8c

I now have a well-disguised gutshot to go with my flush draw. Fuckface bets $100, and only I call.

River : 7h

Bingo! Douchebag glances over at my remaining $132, counts out $125 and pushes it across the line. There's no way he has J9, so I effectively have the nuts. I start the Hollywooding which is basically tanking accompanied by occasional head shaking and audible muttering.

I slowly count out $125, stare pitifully at the remaining $7 and shake my head again. At least 2 minutes have gone by, but I am not worried about any possible later reaction from the rest of the table as I don't have the nuts.

Another minute passes, and rather than just calling and having him show first and then slowroll him again, I decide that he has had enough, and opt for the extra $7 by going all-in. He calls, I show, and he flings his cards angrily into the muck. If looks could kill.

Quick as lightning

I've found a very lucrative busking site, well away from the usual spots like the pedestrian overpasses. With accordion in hand, I will wade into the knee-depth water of the Venetian canal and, with my perfect musical ear, quickly start accompanying the singing gondolier. I then follow the gondola till either I get tipped or fended off by a threatening paddle.

This has enabled me to significantly increase my daily income, and on Wednesday I was even able to afford the $100 minimum buy-in at Aria's 1/3 to join visiting blogger, lightning36, in a session of cards. Needless to say, I went broke after a few hands, but at least lightning36 had a profitable night.

Vignette IX

I hope you'll prove me wrong.