Monday, December 26, 2011

Hit me

I found a copy of Casino Player Magazine (November, 2011) in a Strip poker room. It contains the usual articles about how to improve your chances at winning in such negative EV games as blackjack and the slots, and, not surprisingly, is replete with ads from casinos and gaming companies.

One particular article, "Blackjack Etiquette" by Managing Editor Rob Wiser, states that basic strategy is the mathematically correct way to play every possible hand. He then goes on to say :

Hit that 16 against the dealer's 10, as much as it may scare you, and, more often than not, you will win the hand.

Wrong!!! You will lose the hand more often than not. However, you will lose less by hitting than by standing (so hitting is better). And that's assuming late surrender is not an option.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

The Interpretation of Dreams

Last night I wake up in a sweat. Another recurring nightmare where I'm all-in and have no cards.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

FTP and GBT reach agreement

Subject: Poker just broke the latest news in this complicated saga. Looks like progress.

Subject: Poker can now confirm that Full Tilt Poker and Groupe Bernard Tapie have executed an agreement to further the transfer of FTP’s assets to GBT. This agreement was necessary to pave the way for the US Department of Justice to take possession of the assets voluntarily being forfeited by Full Tilt.

Sources have confirmed that Laurent Tapie appeared personally in Dublin today and spoke to the employees about the hurdles already jumped and those still ahead.

The next key step will be for the actual forfeiture(s) to the DOJ, and the DOJ’s dismissal of the civil charges against the FTP companies. It is believed that these steps will take place shortly.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Tat funt Camara seals my fate

Busted out of the South Point freeroll without making it to the final day despite my having a well above average starting stack. I was card dead all night, endured many coolers, with the final coup de grace delivered during that tat-assed fitch Bamara's down when, without the aid of a sigmoidoscopy, she successfully managed to pull a 9 out of her well-endowed arse to give my all-in opponent a set which cracked my queens and crippled me.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Poker rooms must remain competitive

Brick and mortar poker rooms can no longer take their clientele for granted. They must compete by offering freerolls, hourly comps and, of late, cash back. Wynn is offering $50 cash back for every 25 hours of live play, while the Tropicana will pay $7 per hour for the 3 hours between 4pm and 7pm. All this in addition to the hourly comp rate. South Point, the M, and the Station rooms are among many that have generous freerolls.

High hand jackpots, which come from the player subsidized $1 per pot, are no longer considered a perk. The rooms will have to start digging into their own pockets to return a proportion of the rake in the form of freerolls and cash back. After all, players are the ones subsidizing dealers' wages in the form of tips, and now rightfully expect something substantial in return for their patronage and loyalty.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I spy

Latest sightings at South Point poker room : Jose Canseco, Karina Jett, Paul Magriel, Burt Boutin.

Thursday, November 17, 2011


Temperatures are starting to plummet here in Vegas forcing me to seek alternative lodgings. A shopping cart and 6 square feet under an I-15 overpass won't cut it anymore. Hopefully I'll find something suitable before the WPBT bloggers hit town.

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

Breaking news : GBT and DOJ Strike Deal

Subject: Poker has just published the story "that Groupe Bernard Tapie and the US Department of Justice have come to terms that allows GBT’s acquisition of Full Tilt Poker to continue. If FTP’s current shareholders agree to acquisition of their company, this deal with the DOJ will provide for payment of all players worldwide..."

"... Final details are still being worked out between GBT and the US Attorney’s Office for the Southern District of New York. Subject: Poker hopes to be able to report the full terms of the deal in the coming days. Once this is complete, Groupe Bernard Tapie will be able to propose a deal to acquire Full Tilt Poker directly to its shareholders. Members representing two thirds of ownership interest must vote to approve any such deal.

Subject: Poker has confirmed from numerous sources that, if shareholders agree to GBT’s proposal, Groupe Bernard Tapie will assume responsibility of Full Tilt’s debt to non-US players and the US DOJ will set up a fund to repay US players. We do not know at this time what the timeline for such repayment will be.

If current FTP shareholders agree to the sale, GBT can move on to licensing, making the new company one step closer to launch."

Friday, October 28, 2011

Even more pain at South Point

Just got back from a session where I lost a $1,300 pot when that impotent sack of shit dealer Tom from Buffalo managed to find one of the 7 remaining spades in the deck on the river, with 2 guys both drawing to a spade flush against my flopped nut straight.

Of course one shouldn't be blaming the dealer, but after all the tips that I've left them, I feel justified in cursing him out a bit. From now on, even though it will be against my nature, I will refrain from tipping any South Point dealer for an indeterminate period of time. No more enjoying my generous profit sharing plan without participating in the losses.

And if any of you want to defend these cunts, most of whom I actually really like, please comment. I know my position is intellectually untenable. In fact "Blame the dealer!" is sarcastically bandied around as a counter argument whenever someone invokes my stance. But for the moment, fuck them and the horses they rode in on.

Edited Postscript (October 30) :
The "indeterminate period of time" that I refrained from tipping South Point dealers lasted about 15 minutes i.e. just after I had won my first pot in the next session. As I said, it is against my nature not to tip. And I like the dealers, with Tom being among my favorites. I was thinking of deleting the above post, but am keeping it up to highlight the immediate emotional impact a brutal session has on me.

Bore mad beats at Pouth Soint

Pissed out on a big mot when my aces were cracked by all-in kings. Bickhead Dobby was responsible for the hankroll biccup. For the dain they pish out, these dealers should be tuggered up the ass not bipped.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

South Point bad beat jackpot

At 12:50am (about 3 hours ago), the $50,000 South Point bad beat jackpot was finally hit. I was playing $1-$2 NLHE on Table 11 with John dealing, when seat 1 (8s 8h) and seat 4 (9c 9s) had the good fortune of mixing it up on the following board :

8h Qc 9h 8c 9d

Seat 1 got $20k, seat 4 $10k, and the 84 folks in the room, myself included, received $239 each.

Friday, September 30, 2011


I was 10 seconds away from kicking the stool out from beneath my feet, when Joe came running in.

"Looks like a French group will be buying Full Tilt!" he shouted.

"You sure?" I asked. It had taken me a good 25 minutes to set up a makeshift gallows and I wanted confirmation before removing the noose.

"It's all over 2p2!"

Prudence and past disappointments dissuaded me from jumping for joy.

Friday, September 23, 2011

My first bad beat jackpot?

A huge, dead satellite tumbling to Earth is falling slower than expected, and may now plummet down somewhere over the United States tonight or early Saturday.

NASA expects about 26 large pieces of the UARS spacecraft to survive re-entry through Earth's atmosphere and reach the planet's surface. The biggest piece should weigh about 300 pounds.

NASA officials have said the chances that a piece of UARS debris hits and injures one of the nearly 7 billion people on the planet are about 1 in 3,200. I haven't won a lottery in my life but I've got an eerily good feeling about this one.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Latest Full Tilt Poker Press Release

"On April 15th 2011 the United States Department of Justice unsealed a federal indictment against a number of individuals employed by major online poker operators. After the issuance of that indictment and a related civil case brought by the United States government, Full Tilt Poker withdrew from the US market. Then in a related action, on June 29th, 2011, Full Tilt Poker had its operating licenses suspended by the Alderney Gambling Control Commission.

As a result, Pocket Kings Ltd. (provider of marketing and technology services to Full Tilt Poker) has adopted a cost optimization program and estimates that they need to reduce their costs by approximately €12m. This program is intended to streamline the company’s operations in order to better position itself for future growth and profitability in Full Tilt Poker’s markets outside of the U.S.

If all of the required cost savings were to be achieved through redundancies, approximately 250 positions could be affected; however the exact number cannot be confirmed until the conclusion of a consultation process with its workforce.

Notwithstanding the foregoing, Pocket Kings firmly believes it has a very strong future in Full Tilt Poker’s Non-US Markets, and is fully committed to ensuring Full Tilt Poker restores the site and repay players in full. To this end, Full Tilt Poker has retained Sea Port Group Securities, LLC as its financial advisor with regard to raising capital and/or assisting in securing a strategic partner in order to fund continued operations of Full Tilt Poker's non-U.S. business. The Company is in active discussions with several parties and will provide a further statement in due course."

The AGCC hearing will be held in camera on September 19. Here's hoping.

Saturday, September 03, 2011

Life unplugged

I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel. Most of my life roll ($17.32) is stuck on Full Tilt, and the resultant mental anguish is causing a severe case of writer's block which in turn is holding up the release of my new poker book. Lack of funds will probably mean I'll have to drop out of colon hydrotherapy school. If it's not one shitstorm, it's another.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

My new book

I am devoting most of my spare time to writing a poker book. It will encapsulate over 10 years experience playing in the highest cash games* in Las Vegas, and will reveal strategies heretofore unpublished. Topics covered will include aggressive check calling, check folding, and open folding post-flop when first to act. Nothing will be held back.

Initially it will be in ebook format, available exclusively on the HP TouchPad.

* that I could buy into

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Come on, Full Tilt!

I am still hoping that Full Tilt can pull out of this, and that all player funds are repatriated. I am doing my little bit by keeping their banner up on my site (right sidebar, bottom).

Friday, July 22, 2011

Poker Hall of Shame VII

Watch how 2011 EPT Grand Final winner Ivan Freitez shoots an angle.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Guillaume Darcourt

102 players left in the 2011 WSOP Main Event. I had the pleasure of playing a few sessions of $1-$2 NLHE with Guillaume Darcourt last July at the M Resort. The Frenchman, a very personable fellow, is currently 9th with 4,100,000 in chips. I hope he makes the November Nine.

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

FTP deal done?

Rumors are that the Full Tilt deal with the European investors has been completed and that the site will be reopening soon.

Saturday, July 02, 2011

Thank you, Yahoo!

Now that I can't play poker online, I was looking forward to watching the tape-delayed Haye Klitschko fight on HBO at 6:45 PT (in about 1 hour).

Then I see this on my Yahoo! home page :

Generally Yahoo! and other sites have been pretty good in respecting East coast - West coast time differences (as well as American-European) when it comes to withholding spoiler results in headlines. This time Yahoo! fucked up big time.

Friday, July 01, 2011

LA Times: FTP to be sold to European investors

After Alderney pulled the plug, things were looking grim. Then this :

A leading online poker company shut down by federal prosecutors is set to be bought by a group of European investors in a deal that could allow U.S. players to recover as much as $150 million ...

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Alderney suspends FTP license

Joe stumbled into the shelter at about 4:30 this morning and immediately headed for my bunk.

"The Alderney Gambling Control Commission has just suspended Full Tilt's license."

I threw down the 3-year-old Forbes magazine I was reading and let out a bloodcurdling yelp.


As I longingly thought about the $17.32 I have trapped on the site, I doused the candle and sought the refuge of sleep.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

FTP developments

Subject: Poker is reporting that gambling icon Jack Binion is considering investing in Full Tilt Poker. While this has yet to be substantiated, it is certainly good news after all the doom and gloom we have been subjected to.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Are we close to capitulation?

Market capitulation is defined in Wikipedia :

Market capitulation refers to the threshold reached after a severe fall in the market, when large numbers of investors can no longer tolerate the financial losses incurred. These investors then capitulate (give up) and sell in panic, or find that their pre-set sell stops have been triggered, thereby automatically liquidating their holdings in a given stock. This may trigger a further decline in the stock's price, if not already anticipated by the market. Margin calls and mutual fund and hedge fund redemptions significantly contribute to capitulations.

The contrarians consider a capitulation a sign of a possible bottom in prices. This is because almost everyone who wanted (or was forced) to sell stock has already done so, leaving the buyers in the market, and they are expected to drive the prices up.

The peak in volume may precede an actual bottom.

Why didn't I buy stocks in March, 2009? Because, like everyone else, I was too scared to touch them. And that's when the big money was to be made.

Phil Ivey has capitulated. F-Train has capitulated and finally removed the FTP banner from his blog. TonyG has capitulated and PokerNews is not referring any more clients to FTP. Quadjacks have capitulated. Bill Rini is moving toward capitulation.

2p2 is full of threads harshly criticizing Full Tilt's management and team pros. The company is eulogized in every 5th post, with many US players having written off their funds. Non-US players are complaining about cashout problems.

I'm not sure if we have reached full capitulation, but what this all means to me is that we are closer to a surprise development in this saga. I've been wrong before, but if it were possible to purchase FTP shares, I would start buying now.

Saturday, June 04, 2011

Justice for all

Wall Street bankers are still gallivanting around in their $1,000 suits. Not one of them has been indicted for the crimes that they committed in bringing the US and world economies to the brink. Yet the DOJ has finally managed to indict the heinous monsters responsible for polluting America with online poker. As long as we have our priorities right, the future looks rosy.

Following Black Friday, there is no doubt in my mind that the freedom-loving quartet of Frist, Kyl, Goodlatte and Leach will be rewarded with this year's Nobel Prize in Economic Sciences. Anything less than that, like a CNN Hero award, would be short-changing them.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

RIP Spot. 1991 - May 28, 2011

We had to put the cat down today. She was 20 years old, a fighter to the end.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Your hand reading is atrocious

Young internet kid justifying a poor call : "I ran into the top of your range."

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Back to live

Now that online poker is off limits, it's back to waiting lists, human interaction and 27 hands per hour. My last favorite venue was the Venetian, a spacious cardroom with good games and good staff. However, Xiulian, an accursed cooler-dealing witch, single-handedly wiped out 4 weeks of profits in 4 downs, so I have decided to try the Bellagio. The scenery is the same but for the extra addition of UIGEA refugees.

Sunday, May 01, 2011

Poker face

Justice has been done

On the morning of September 11, 2001 at 8:30am, I was sitting at my desk in Queens, NYC, waiting for the NYSE to open. I had been trading from home for several months, but prior to that I had worked for a firm on the 45th floor of 1 WTC. CNBC's TV coverage was suddenly interrupted with shocking and unforgettable footage.

Fast forward to tonight, Sunday night, May 1, 2011 at 8:40pm. I am sitting at home in Las Vegas watching President Obama's address to the nation, reporting that Osama bin Laden has been killed.

"Justice has been done."

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Norm Macdonald is also funny

I've always been a fan of Norm Macdonald and think he's doing a great job replacing Gabe Kaplan in High Stakes Poker.

2010 WSOP champ Jonathan Duhamel open raises with 88.
NM : "Jonathan picks up a pair."

Amateur Julian Movsesian calls with Kc2c.
NM : "Julian picks up a deuce with a big kicker."

Monday, April 18, 2011


Friday, April 15, 2011

Black Friday

PokerStars, Full Tilt Poker and Absolute Poker have been indicted for running afoul of the UIGEA, and arrests have been made. Both PS and FTP have ceased US operations as of today. A personal fuck you to Frist, Kyl, Goodlatte, Leach and the horses they rode in on.

"Unfortunately, as a result of this action, Full Tilt Poker has decided that it must suspend “real money” play in the United States until this case is resolved. However, Full Tilt Poker will continue to provide peer-to-peer online poker services outside of the United States."

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Coolered by Randomness

Most of you are by now familiar with my hysterical rants on the random number generators (RNG's) used by online poker sites. After an extremely brutal bad beat, I will often snap-post a short tirade lambasting all those remotely associated with the design, creation, testing and maintenance of the offending RNG. This is solely for my psychological well-being. Truth be told, I have full faith and confidence in the integrity of the RNG on the sites that I play on.

Friday, April 01, 2011

Poker multitabling

I am currently trying out the Peregrine gaming glove which allows you to trigger commands just by touching your fingers with your thumb. The glove has 3 Activator Pads – one on the thumb tip, another on the middle of the thumb, and one on the palm. It's a perfect fit for poker multitabling and I was mindlessly grinding 16 tables when the following hand came up :

I clenched my fist so tightly that a circuit in the glove must have shorted, and smoke starting wafting out of the USB port. I decided that if ever there was a more opportune moment to put my fist through the monitor, it was then, as the glove would prevent any collateral damage to my hand.

Fortunately I quickly came to my senses and instead opted to ram my forehead into the adjacent wall.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

FCUK in chat results in automated warning

After a very demoralizing session, heavily punctuated with coolers, bad beats and suckouts, I decided to reach out to the boys who work behind the scenes at Full Tilt. Hopefully the Chat Monitor will be kind enough to pass on my message.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Online Capers VII

1the, an up and coming, non-shortstacking multitabler from Russia, thinks he's found nirvana. He calls my $9 c-bet on the flop when he's a 95% dog, and then watches while 2 running clubs are pulled out of the accommodating arse of the FTP RNG to give him the stone cold nuts, and my stack, on the river. I bite my lip, and then my mousepad.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Online Capers VI

Just to prove that atrocious card players are evenly spread geographically, today's guest, goatherder CarpeDiemRS, comes to us from rural Bosnia and Herzegovina. When not busy chasing goats or flushes, he fills in as the village idiot on a per diem basis.

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Online Capers V

A preflop raise wasn't enough to prevent ADASTRAPERASPE, whose IP address has been tracked to a Northern Italian mental institution, from calling with Q8o and cracking my KK. I put the imbecile on AQ when the money went in on the flop. Perhaps I could have gotten away from the hand.

Thursday, March 03, 2011

We have a winner!

It's official, I have won 2 free hours of poker coaching from Jeremy "Oldschool" Steinhausen. First session is tomorrow at 12:00 noon. Hopefully everything will be set up in the library on time. Just to be on the safe side, I'll be going round to that old hag's place tonight, with rubber gloves and garden hose in tow.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Free coaching?

Oldschool, one of the poker coaches on 2+2, has offered 2 hours of free coaching for the best original funny story posted in his thread about why someone would need his coaching. I just submitted the truth :

I currently live at St. Luke's, a homeless shelter in east Las Vegas. Having completely depleted my poker bankroll and in desperate need of funds, I am seeking alternative revenue streams and to that end am now training to be a colon hydrotherapist. I have managed to download Full Tilt at a public library, thanks in no small part to a cooperative librarian to whom I promised a free colonic cleansing. I tried convincing her to install the 15-day free trial of HEM as well, but alas she would only do it after the colonic.

[x] Old rubber gloves
[x] St. Luke's garden hose
[ ] Appropriate facility

After an initial 27 BI downswing and a 150k breakeven stretch, I'm crushing 1/2 Rush (4-tabling, FR, play money) and feel I am ready to move up to 5/10. All this without TableNinja, hotkeys and auto Timebank. I am, however, wary of the pitfalls associated with a higher limit and would therefore like some coaching before undertaking such a move.

I realize that a comprehensive DB analysis is necessary and have devised a plan whereby I utilize an unknown Wi-Fi spot in the library, and together with a CAT-5 cable tied around one of my tooth fillings to intercept high frequency radio transmission, and a USB flash drive to transfer my hand history folder, we can temporarily avail ourselves of HEM's free trial and conduct a fruitful first session.

[x] Tooth filling
[ ] $5 CAT-5 cable
[ ] $7 USB flash drive
[x] Initiative

I have no cell phone but will soon be able to be contacted via a homing pigeon that I am training.

[x] oldschool lives in contiguous USA

The winner will be announced at the end of February. Let them laugh at me - I could do with some free poker coaching.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Online Capers IV

It seems as if a KK vs AA situation has to come up in nearly every session. Fuck the system architects at Full Tilt who designed the RNG, fuck Cigital, Inc and TST Labs, the 2 companies that evaluated, tested and accredited the randomness of the RNG, and fuck the respective horses they rode in on. If I've left anyone out, then fuck them too.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Online Capers III

In the grand scheme of things, this SB vs. BB hand is insignificant. However I called on the river because the BB's story didn't make sense. Remember, the story you are telling must at least represent something credible in the context of how the hand is played out.

Full Tilt, $0.50/$1 No Limit Hold'em Cash, 9 Players

Hero (SB): $19.25 (19.3 bb)
BB: $162.75 (162.8 bb)
UTG+1: $45.90 (45.9 bb)
UTG+2: $100 (100 bb)
MP1: $32 (32 bb)
MP2: $111.65 (111.7 bb)
MP3: $232.30 (232.3 bb)
CO: $20.70 (20.7 bb)
BTN: $277.40 (277.4 bb)

Preflop: Hero is SB with Ah 8s
7 folds, Hero completes, BB checks

Flop: ($2) 9h Js 8c (2 players)
Hero checks, BB checks

Turn: ($2) 5h (2 players)
Hero bets $1, BB calls $1

River: ($4) Jh (2 players)
Hero checks, BB bets $3.50, Hero calls $3.50

Results: $11 pot ($0.55 rake)
Final Board: 9h Js 8c 5h Jh
Hero showed Ah 8s and won $10.45 ($4.95 net)
BB showed 4c 7s and lost (-$5.50 net)

Thursday, February 03, 2011

Online Capers II

This time we have toooh1, a Northern American idiot (Canada actually) with a VPIP of 44%, who calls my preflop raise with J8s, gets checkraised on the flop and calls with a straight draw, decides to continue chasing by calling a hefty $22.50 turn bet when the pot is $30.40, and then is rewarded for his stubborn persistence with a river card that completes his straight.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

False positive?

Got this popup while surfing on 2+2. I did not press OK, in fact I was even scared to close it myself. Instead I opened up Windows Task Manager and ended the application from there. It listed itself as AVG - Windows Explorer, but in fact is malware trying to install itself when activated.

I found this on the interwebs (links intentionally deleted) :

The malware comes from this link : http://

XXXXXXXX redirects to in my case. The site displays a popup via JavaScript which says: "AV8 has found suspicious activity on your pc and will perform some action on your pc." It does fake virus scan, displays a fake Windows Security Alert, and then downloads a variant of Win32/Kryptik.IMZ trojan:


Monday, January 24, 2011

Online Capers I

I bet the flop and was raised all-in. I would bury my head in shame had I won this pot in a live setting. But in the anonymity afforded by online play, ikkeno1, a Northern European idiot (Norway actually), gets another fillip to his bankroll before it, and him, dwindle into inevitable obscurity.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

gg B&M?

For the first time in many years, I'm looking at getting into more serious online play. Clearly there are advantages to both forms, but $2-$5 at the Venetian is packed with regs and is getting harder to beat. Plus the commute will be shorter.

I know I will be facing more suckouts per hour playing online, but at least I won't be dealt cooler after cooler by that affected whore, Xiulian.

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Gambling Tales Podcast returns

The Gambling Tales Podcast is back "on the air" with new shows weekly. Special K and Falstaff are the ones to blame. They will focus on a single topic each week, and will also reveal the password to their weekly Thursday Full Tilt freeroll tournament. I am now trying to get my hands on some headphones so that I can listen to one of these in the public library I frequent.