Free coaching?

Oldschool, one of the poker coaches on 2+2, has offered 2 hours of free coaching for the best original funny story posted in his thread about why someone would need his coaching. I just submitted the truth :

I currently live at St. Luke's, a homeless shelter in east Las Vegas. Having completely depleted my poker bankroll and in desperate need of funds, I am seeking alternative revenue streams and to that end am now training to be a colon hydrotherapist. I have managed to download Full Tilt at a public library, thanks in no small part to a cooperative librarian to whom I promised a free colonic cleansing. I tried convincing her to install the 15-day free trial of HEM as well, but alas she would only do it after the colonic.

[x] Old rubber gloves
[x] St. Luke's garden hose
[ ] Appropriate facility

After an initial 27 BI downswing and a 150k breakeven stretch, I'm crushing 1/2 Rush (4-tabling, FR, play money) and feel I am ready to move up to 5/10. All this without TableNinja, hotkeys and auto Timebank. I am, however, wary of the pitfalls associated with a higher limit and would therefore like some coaching before undertaking such a move.

I realize that a comprehensive DB analysis is necessary and have devised a plan whereby I utilize an unknown Wi-Fi spot in the library, and together with a CAT-5 cable tied around one of my tooth fillings to intercept high frequency radio transmission, and a USB flash drive to transfer my hand history folder, we can temporarily avail ourselves of HEM's free trial and conduct a fruitful first session.

[x] Tooth filling
[ ] $5 CAT-5 cable
[ ] $7 USB flash drive
[x] Initiative

I have no cell phone but will soon be able to be contacted via a homing pigeon that I am training.

[x] oldschool lives in contiguous USA

The winner will be announced at the end of February. Let them laugh at me - I could do with some free poker coaching.