Thursday, November 30, 2017

Finally landed a job and then lost it in 1 hour

This morning I started working at Walmart as a greeter. About 25 minutes into my first day on the job, a very loud, decidedly unattractive, and inappropriately dressed woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

Here is her picture:

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart."

I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling at the children just long enough to say to me, "Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's only 5. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just fucking stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, ma'am. I just couldn't believe someone would fuck you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart".

My job search continues.....

Saturday, October 28, 2017

Bellagio abolishes mandatory posting

In a recent surprising development, the Bellagio poker room has ditched its 19-year-old rule whereby a new player in the non-time-raked games had to post a blind in order to receive cards.

The decision came into effect at noon yesterday (Friday), and brings Bellagio in line with all the other rooms in town.

Sunday, October 22, 2017

Crabby Cornelia

If there were a competition to find the grouchiest female poker dealer in Las Vegas, my nomination would be Cornelia from the Bellagio. I have yet to see that ugly cunt smile once.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

I'm still here

It's been a while since I posted. I can't seem to muster up the enthusiasm I once had for poker. Losing $40 buy-ins at the Excalibur is starting to wear on me. It can take weeks for me to rustle up $40.

On top of all that, my job search is proving both frustrating and fruitless. I applied for the position of dancing dealer at Planet Hollywood,  and was politely told they were only looking for female applicants. Well-known attorney, Pete P. Peters, is filing a gender discrimination lawsuit against Caesars Entertainment on my behalf.

On the home front, our shelter is undergoing renovations, so they've put us up temporarily in  an underground bomb shelter just south of Area 51. It makes for a nice change, but for some unknown reason my hair is starting to fall out. How much does a used Geiger counter go for these days?

Monday, October 02, 2017

Together and stronger

Thursday, June 29, 2017

My worst bad beat ever

The day was last Saturday, June 24, 2017, the venue was the Bellagio poker room, the game 1/3, and the dealer was Austin. It wasn't a huge pot moneywise as I only had about $200 in front of me, but it will be one I'll never forget.

I was in the big blind with 9h9s, and called a $15 UTG raise together with 3 others.

The flop was 9c 9d Tc.

I flopped quads and it was checked around.

The turn was 6c, and being the first to act, I checked again, hoping someone caught a draw  or better and would bet. It wasn't to be and it was checked around again.

When Austin placed the 7 of clubs on the river, I knew that he should have chosen a career in magic rather than dealing.

I bet $50, all folded to the button, who had me covered and who went all-in. Not being in the habit of folding quads, I called and was shown 8c8s for the straight flush. Even though Bellagio does not have a bad beat jackpot,  thankfully this hand would not have qualified as both cards have to be used.

Summarizing, I was a 99.7% favorite on the flop, and this was the first time I've lost with quads. This is not the worst beat possible on the flop - 99 vs AA on a 995 flop is a 99.9% favorite against an ace on the turn and river - but I'm sure I'll eventually be dealt one of these as well once Austin has some more time to hone his skills.

Friday, May 26, 2017

Losing the minimum

The UTG player, a newcomer to our 2/5 table, raises to $20 and it folds around to me on the button. I look down to see AhKh and my first reaction is to 3-bet to $60. Something intangible about UTG's demeanor, however, makes me reassess, and I just call the $20 raise. We both have about $500 behind.

The flop comes K J 6 rainbow, and UTG bets $30. Once again I am tempted to 3-bet his ass, but end up just calling.

The turn is a blank, and UTG confidently pushes $100 across the betting line. Not wishing to commit my stack to TPTK, I fold facedown.

UTG proudly displays AA, and surprisingly I am nearly as pleased as he is.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Building an image

Sometimes I'll put myself on the Bellagio $10/$20 No Limit list, even though I haven't got enough in my pocket to buy a cup of coffee. There is usually only 1 game going and  I do this when the list is pretty long, but not long enough to warrant opening a new game.

I'll then disappear for about half an hour, wandering aimlessly in the pit, and upon returning to the podium, which is situated within earshot of the 10/20 table, will start lamenting loudly how I just lost $3,000 at blackjack and that I'm too tilted to sit down with my remaining  $2,000, and could they please take me off the list.

I'll then walk over to the table and, after getting  sympathetic nods from the seated players, wish everyone good luck and leave.

Saturday, April 01, 2017

Selling 2017 WSOP action II

Some of you have asked why I am selling such a high percentage of myself, and why the insanely high markup?

These are legitimate questions and deserve an honest reply.

If, for example, I were to only play the $10,000 Main Event, owing to the 65% markup, I would be selling 97% of myself for $16,005, rather than $9,700. Now it's common knowledge that I don't have $30 to my name, let alone the $300 necessary for my 3%, so the high markup not only allows me to buy in to the tournament, but to also pocket a tidy risk-free profit regardless of the outcome of the event.

The more observant among you will immediately ask what incentive would I then have to play well? Or to even show up? The answer is that even a tramp such as myself dreams of making the Main Event final table.

Late Edit : I have just been contacted by a wealthy Nigerian investor who has agreed to stake me in as many events as I like, under the aforementioned terms. I therefore am no longer accepting any more offers and thank you all for the interest.

Selling 2017 WSOP action

In the next few days I'll be putting together a list of all the WSOP events that I intend playing this year. I will be selling 97% of my action with a markup of 65%. This package should sell out fairly quickly, so don't say I didn't warn you.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Happy Birthday

Today's my birthday and the boys at the shelter surprised me when I was presented with a fat envelope during our lunchtime meal. I was visibly moved and, after thanking everyone in an emotional speech, opened the contents and counted out $47 in $1 bills.

The gift is a welcome boost to my bankroll, which now stands at $47.63. My plan now is to vigorously grind the $2/$4 limit game at the Flamingo till I build it up to $120, at which time I'll have 3 min-buyins for Luxor's $1/$2 no-limit.

This is ultra-aggressive money management with an obscenely high risk of ruin. But hey, it's only 365 days till my next birthday.

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Back in action

I have replaced the accordion I lost during the Vegas floods last August, thanks to a loan obtained through Kiva. Kiva is a non-profit organization that allows people to lend money via the Internet to low-income entrepreneurs and students in over 80 countries. Kiva's mission is “to connect people through lending to alleviate poverty".

With my superior busking skills, I figure it'll take 3 days to raise a $100 buy-in, and 3 minutes to lose it when my bottom set gets cracked by some imbecile's runner-runner straight. Poverty, therefore, will be alleviated, though not my own.