My roll < $38

The losing sessions continue. Everyone's running into the bottom of my range.

Despite my penury and destitution, I have calculated that I am up $2,470 G-Bucks for the year and will be providing my broker with an audited spreadsheet to this effect, hopefully persuading him to allocate me 65 Facebook shares in tomorrow's IPO.

Grim reminder

Each time I walk through, I can't help but notice that there's another tournament series at the Bellagio. I've sworn off tournaments ever since that fat cunt Joanne eliminated me deep in a $1,000 event at the 2005 Festa al Lago, when I was a 98% favorite on the flop.

Palms opens poker room and sports book

As part of a series of upgrades, a new poker room and sports book opened at the Palms today. Cantor Gaming will operate the hybrid sports book-poker room, the first of its kind in Las Vegas.

"A poker player folds eight or nine hands out of ten," Cantor Gaming CEO Lee Amaitis said. "They can watch the other players, but it gets boring. This way, they can bet on a game."

... and eventually join me at the shelter where it gets even more boring.

Hack away

Now that the forums at 2p2 are down owing to the recent hacking, I have had some time to delve into the archives. Fascinating stuff which shows how things have changed since 1997. Some quotes :

"On a related note the fear of flopping a small set when someone flops a bigger set is totally unfounded. I can't even remember the last time this happened to me."

-- Mason Malmuth, 18 August, 1997.

"I would be very surprised if the pot limit game in Oceanside has any problems. This is a major poker room and the game goes on a regular basis. However, with this being said my advice is to concentrate on limit play. That is where poker's future is anyway."

-- Mason Malmuth, 22 September, 1997.

GBT fails in bid, PokerStars to buy FTP

Announcement from GBT :

Groupe Bernard Tapie regrets to announce that, after seven months of intensive work, our efforts to obtain final approval of the United States Department of Justice of the agreement to acquire the assets of Full Tilt Poker have ended without success.

From 2p2 :

PokerStars has reached an agreement with the U.S. Department of Justice to buy FTP. The things I heard:

* All players will be refunded 100%
* Both sites back online
* Both sites have promotions
* Employees remain in both places

Expect more news today.

Breaking news, still developing.

Six Card Poker

Late one night on my way out of the Venetian, I stumbled upon a new table game, Six Card Poker. No-one was playing at the time so the dealer briefly explained the rules. Apparently it's a Shuffle Master variant of Caribbean Stud and has been open for about one month. Dealer and players each get 6 cards, with the players getting to see 3 of the dealer's cards before having to make any decisions. There is an ante bet (plus 2 other types) and the aim is make the best 5-card hand.

I searched the WizardofOdds site for any info but couldn't find anything. I'd be interested in knowing optimal basic strategy and the house edge. I could dedicate hours of analysis and simulations as an intellectual exercise, but am too preoccupied at the moment.

Addendum, May 4, 2012

The game has finally been analyzed here. If one wishes to indulge in negative expectation activity, then the low house edge (1.27%) makes it an attractive alternative to the other poker carnival games.

Happy Anniversary

Exactly one year since Black Friday, and nearly six years since Bill Frist, Jon Kyl, Jim Leach, and Robert Goodlatte inducted themselves into the dregs of society with the sneaky passing of the UIGEA.

Crunch time

Since dropping out of colon hydrotherapy school, I'm on the lookout for a new career path. Unfortunately I have a limited education and possess very few social skills. On the plus side, I have no criminal record that I'm aware of, and cannot afford to use any of the popular recreational drugs.

I may try dealing school.

Social climbing

Yesterday I experienced one of those rare dream sessions where I happened to be on the right side of variance. Top pair medium kicker holding up, a gutshot on the river. I was beside myself as I made my way to the cashier, clutching a stack of reds in each hand. And I have small hands.

Two hours later I was walking out of Wal-Mart, at long last the proud owner of a pot to piss in.

Limping with aces

lightning36 has a good post about limping with aces. I agree with him that there are definitely situations that warrant such a move.

I only play live cash games and I don't subscribe to any predefined set of rules, such as only limping a certain percentage of the time. On the extremely rare occasions that I actually do get dealt AA (last AA sighting was in the summer of '08), my aim is to maximize my expected profit (EV) from the hand. This will be dependent on, inter alia, my position with respect to both the button and other players, relative stack sizes, my image, game flow, meta game considerations, and other players' strengths and weaknesses.

So in some cases, maximizing EV will be equivalent to getting in as much money into the pre-flop pot as possible, though I'd prefer a lid on the number of opponents. Depending on the circumstances, this may entail either limping or raising. In other cases, maximizing EV may be more post-flop oriented, such as trying to trap another big stack, and, once again, limping or raising will be situation-dependent.

My new friend

As I inch towards total insolvency, I am really hoping for a speedy resolution to the FTP saga. 15% unemployment in Las Vegas certainly doesn't help either. Ever the optimist, I decided to adopt a dog from a local shelter last week. She's a great companion - here we are downtown :

GBT - FTP - FUD

The rollercoaster ride continues. It wasn't long ago (February 2) that legal and gaming industry consultant Wendeen Eolis thought the Group Bernard Tapie (GBT) - Full Tilt Poker (FTP) deal was in peril. This morning, after speaking to GBT counsel Behn Dayanim, she expressed renewed optimism.

Happy Birthday

The boys at the shelter threw me a surprise birthday party on Saturday. It was a catered affair held at the McDonalds on Fremont and Eastern. Afterwards, we caught the Deuce to Bellagio where we managed to pool together a $200 buy-in by cashing in some welfare checks, to the dismay of the well-coutured lady at the cage.

I then sat in on a $2-$5 table where, after 4 hours of tight play, I slowly built it up to $225. I wanted to quit and take a profit but the boys were adamant that I continue. The very next hand I looked down at what I thought were pocket aces, but in fact turned out to be the visually similar pocket fours. I have not had my eyes or spectacles checked for at least 5 years and it has occasionally caused me problems. Anyway, I went all-in pre-flop against someone fortunate enough to really have pocket aces.

6 sphincters collectively puckered up as the dealer laid out the flop :

4 4 A

I leaned forward, with my nose virtually touching the cards, to make sure it wasn't A A 4 and the rest is history. After redistributing everyone's original stake, it was unanimously decided that the $250 profit would be used for a vision test and new spectacles for yours truly. The dentist will have to wait.

Which reminds me

I've been putting off a visit to the dentist for 8 years now. Each time I manage to scrape up the necessary $150 copayment, I lose it in a big pot going in as a 70:30 favorite.

The horse above is Black Caviar, an Australian Thoroughbred champion sprinter.

Poker Hall of Shame VIII

If you want attitude and unwarranted haughtiness, you need look no further than Yan, poker dealer at the Venetian. Her table talk makes it patently obvious that she hasn't attended any internal customer relations courses. Judging by other players' reactions, she continues to inflict further brand damage when playing after her shift.

Shortest poker books ever written

There's a thread on 2p2 titled "Shortest poker books ever written". Here are some of the better ones :


I Can't See My Cards Over These by J. Tilly

Playing Trip Deuces by Peter Eastgate

Putting Opponents on Tilt: Aggressive Table Talk for Champions by Erik Seidel

Home Security Systems by Jonathan Duhamel

Balancing Poker and Family Life by Sam Grizzle

Enjoying Salads by Greg Raymer

Bankroll Management by Archie Karas

Every Hand Revealed - 3 Handed at the Final Table by Ben Lamb

A Pro's Guide to Chip Handling and Advanced Chip Tricks by Martin Staszko

Things I Love about Northern Europe by Phil Hellmuth

Reading Physical Tells by Hal Lubarsky

Internship my arse

Spotted this ad in craigslist about an online poker magazine wanting some naive intern to "research and write" 5 articles a month for no pay. Have these people no shame?

Even I am fallible

For the record, I misplayed a hand post-flop yesterday.

I am SB with AQ of spades, the flop is A J 3 rainbow with one spade. I bet and button calls.

The turn is a 6 of spades. I bet half pot and the button raises to 4 times my bet. I call.

The river is a brick, I check, button bets and I fold.

Hit me

I found a copy of Casino Player Magazine (November, 2011) in a Strip poker room. It contains the usual articles about how to improve your chances at winning in such negative EV games as blackjack and the slots, and, not surprisingly, is replete with ads from casinos and gaming companies.

One particular article, "Blackjack Etiquette" by Managing Editor Rob Wiser, states that basic strategy is the mathematically correct way to play every possible hand. He then goes on to say :

Hit that 16 against the dealer's 10, as much as it may scare you, and, more often than not, you will win the hand.

Wrong!!! You will lose the hand more often than not. However, you will lose less by hitting than by standing (so hitting is better). And that's assuming late surrender is not an option.

The Interpretation of Dreams

Last night I wake up in a sweat. Another recurring nightmare where I'm all-in and have no cards.

FTP and GBT reach agreement

Subject: Poker just broke the latest news in this complicated saga. Looks like progress.

Subject: Poker can now confirm that Full Tilt Poker and Groupe Bernard Tapie have executed an agreement to further the transfer of FTP’s assets to GBT. This agreement was necessary to pave the way for the US Department of Justice to take possession of the assets voluntarily being forfeited by Full Tilt.
...
...

Sources have confirmed that Laurent Tapie appeared personally in Dublin today and spoke to the employees about the hurdles already jumped and those still ahead.

The next key step will be for the actual forfeiture(s) to the DOJ, and the DOJ’s dismissal of the civil charges against the FTP companies. It is believed that these steps will take place shortly.
...
...

Tat funt Camara seals my fate

Busted out of the South Point freeroll without making it to the final day despite my having a well above average starting stack. I was card dead all night, endured many coolers, with the final coup de grace delivered during that tat-assed fitch Bamara's down when, without the aid of a sigmoidoscopy, she successfully managed to pull a 9 out of her well-endowed arse to give my all-in opponent a set which cracked my queens and crippled me.

Poker rooms must remain competitive

Brick and mortar poker rooms can no longer take their clientele for granted. They must compete by offering freerolls, hourly comps and, of late, cash back. Wynn is offering $50 cash back for every 25 hours of live play, while the Tropicana will pay $7 per hour for the 3 hours between 4pm and 7pm. All this in addition to the hourly comp rate. South Point, the M, and the Station rooms are among many that have generous freerolls.

High hand jackpots, which come from the player subsidized $1 per pot, are no longer considered a perk. The rooms will have to start digging into their own pockets to return a proportion of the rake in the form of freerolls and cash back. After all, players are the ones subsidizing dealers' wages in the form of tips, and now rightfully expect something substantial in return for their patronage and loyalty.

I spy

Latest sightings at South Point poker room : Jose Canseco, Karina Jett, Paul Magriel, Burt Boutin.

Relocation

Temperatures are starting to plummet here in Vegas forcing me to seek alternative lodgings. A shopping cart and 6 square feet under an I-15 overpass won't cut it anymore. Hopefully I'll find something suitable before the WPBT bloggers hit town.

Breaking news : GBT and DOJ Strike Deal

Subject: Poker has just published the story "that Groupe Bernard Tapie and the US Department of Justice have come to terms that allows GBT’s acquisition of Full Tilt Poker to continue. If FTP’s current shareholders agree to acquisition of their company, this deal with the DOJ will provide for payment of all players worldwide..."

"... Final details are still being worked out between GBT and the US Attorney’s Office for the Southern District of New York. Subject: Poker hopes to be able to report the full terms of the deal in the coming days. Once this is complete, Groupe Bernard Tapie will be able to propose a deal to acquire Full Tilt Poker directly to its shareholders. Members representing two thirds of ownership interest must vote to approve any such deal.

Subject: Poker has confirmed from numerous sources that, if shareholders agree to GBT’s proposal, Groupe Bernard Tapie will assume responsibility of Full Tilt’s debt to non-US players and the US DOJ will set up a fund to repay US players. We do not know at this time what the timeline for such repayment will be.

If current FTP shareholders agree to the sale, GBT can move on to licensing, making the new company one step closer to launch."

Even more pain at South Point

Just got back from a session where I lost a $1,300 pot when that impotent sack of shit dealer Tom from Buffalo managed to find one of the 7 remaining spades in the deck on the river, with 2 guys both drawing to a spade flush against my flopped nut straight.

Of course one shouldn't be blaming the dealer, but after all the tips that I've left them, I feel justified in cursing him out a bit. From now on, even though it will be against my nature, I will refrain from tipping any South Point dealer for an indeterminate period of time. No more enjoying my generous profit sharing plan without participating in the losses.

And if any of you want to defend these cunts, most of whom I actually really like, please comment. I know my position is intellectually untenable. In fact "Blame the dealer!" is sarcastically bandied around as a counter argument whenever someone invokes my stance. But for the moment, fuck them and the horses they rode in on.


Edited Postscript (October 30) :
The "indeterminate period of time" that I refrained from tipping South Point dealers lasted about 15 minutes i.e. just after I had won my first pot in the next session. As I said, it is against my nature not to tip. And I like the dealers, with Tom being among my favorites. I was thinking of deleting the above post, but am keeping it up to highlight the immediate emotional impact a brutal session has on me.

Bore mad beats at Pouth Soint

Pissed out on a big mot when my aces were cracked by all-in kings. Bickhead Dobby was responsible for the hankroll biccup. For the dain they pish out, these dealers should be tuggered up the ass not bipped.

South Point bad beat jackpot

At 12:50am (about 3 hours ago), the $50,000 South Point bad beat jackpot was finally hit. I was playing $1-$2 NLHE on Table 11 with John dealing, when seat 1 (8s 8h) and seat 4 (9c 9s) had the good fortune of mixing it up on the following board :

8h Qc 9h 8c 9d

Seat 1 got $20k, seat 4 $10k, and the 84 folks in the room, myself included, received $239 each.

Reprieve?

I was 10 seconds away from kicking the stool out from beneath my feet, when Joe came running in.

"Looks like a French group will be buying Full Tilt!" he shouted.

"You sure?" I asked. It had taken me a good 25 minutes to set up a makeshift gallows and I wanted confirmation before removing the noose.

"It's all over 2p2!"

Prudence and past disappointments dissuaded me from jumping for joy.

My first bad beat jackpot?

A huge, dead satellite tumbling to Earth is falling slower than expected, and may now plummet down somewhere over the United States tonight or early Saturday.

NASA expects about 26 large pieces of the UARS spacecraft to survive re-entry through Earth's atmosphere and reach the planet's surface. The biggest piece should weigh about 300 pounds.

NASA officials have said the chances that a piece of UARS debris hits and injures one of the nearly 7 billion people on the planet are about 1 in 3,200. I haven't won a lottery in my life but I've got an eerily good feeling about this one.

Latest Full Tilt Poker Press Release

"On April 15th 2011 the United States Department of Justice unsealed a federal indictment against a number of individuals employed by major online poker operators. After the issuance of that indictment and a related civil case brought by the United States government, Full Tilt Poker withdrew from the US market. Then in a related action, on June 29th, 2011, Full Tilt Poker had its operating licenses suspended by the Alderney Gambling Control Commission.

As a result, Pocket Kings Ltd. (provider of marketing and technology services to Full Tilt Poker) has adopted a cost optimization program and estimates that they need to reduce their costs by approximately €12m. This program is intended to streamline the company’s operations in order to better position itself for future growth and profitability in Full Tilt Poker’s markets outside of the U.S.

If all of the required cost savings were to be achieved through redundancies, approximately 250 positions could be affected; however the exact number cannot be confirmed until the conclusion of a consultation process with its workforce.

Notwithstanding the foregoing, Pocket Kings firmly believes it has a very strong future in Full Tilt Poker’s Non-US Markets, and is fully committed to ensuring Full Tilt Poker restores the site and repay players in full. To this end, Full Tilt Poker has retained Sea Port Group Securities, LLC as its financial advisor with regard to raising capital and/or assisting in securing a strategic partner in order to fund continued operations of Full Tilt Poker's non-U.S. business. The Company is in active discussions with several parties and will provide a further statement in due course."

The AGCC hearing will be held in camera on September 19. Here's hoping.

Life unplugged

I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel. Most of my life roll ($17.32) is stuck on Full Tilt, and the resultant mental anguish is causing a severe case of writer's block which in turn is holding up the release of my new poker book. Lack of funds will probably mean I'll have to drop out of colon hydrotherapy school. If it's not one shitstorm, it's another.

My new book

I am devoting most of my spare time to writing a poker book. It will encapsulate over 10 years experience playing in the highest cash games* in Las Vegas, and will reveal strategies heretofore unpublished. Topics covered will include aggressive check calling, check folding, and open folding post-flop when first to act. Nothing will be held back.

Initially it will be in ebook format, available exclusively on the HP TouchPad.

* that I could buy into

Come on, Full Tilt!

I am still hoping that Full Tilt can pull out of this, and that all player funds are repatriated. I am doing my little bit by keeping their banner up on my site (right sidebar, bottom).

Poker Hall of Shame VII

Watch how 2011 EPT Grand Final winner Ivan Freitez shoots an angle.

Guillaume Darcourt

102 players left in the 2011 WSOP Main Event. I had the pleasure of playing a few sessions of $1-$2 NLHE with Guillaume Darcourt last July at the M Resort. The Frenchman, a very personable fellow, is currently 9th with 4,100,000 in chips. I hope he makes the November Nine.

FTP deal done?

Rumors are that the Full Tilt deal with the European investors has been completed and that the site will be reopening soon.

Thank you, Yahoo!

Now that I can't play poker online, I was looking forward to watching the tape-delayed Haye Klitschko fight on HBO at 6:45 PT (in about 1 hour).

Then I see this on my Yahoo! home page :



Generally Yahoo! and other sites have been pretty good in respecting East coast - West coast time differences (as well as American-European) when it comes to withholding spoiler results in headlines. This time Yahoo! fucked up big time.

LA Times: FTP to be sold to European investors

After Alderney pulled the plug, things were looking grim. Then this :

A leading online poker company shut down by federal prosecutors is set to be bought by a group of European investors in a deal that could allow U.S. players to recover as much as $150 million ...

Alderney suspends FTP license

Joe stumbled into the shelter at about 4:30 this morning and immediately headed for my bunk.

"The Alderney Gambling Control Commission has just suspended Full Tilt's license."

I threw down the 3-year-old Forbes magazine I was reading and let out a bloodcurdling yelp.

"Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!"

As I longingly thought about the $17.32 I have trapped on the site, I doused the candle and sought the refuge of sleep.

FTP developments

Subject: Poker is reporting that gambling icon Jack Binion is considering investing in Full Tilt Poker. While this has yet to be substantiated, it is certainly good news after all the doom and gloom we have been subjected to.

Are we close to capitulation?

Market capitulation is defined in Wikipedia :

Market capitulation refers to the threshold reached after a severe fall in the market, when large numbers of investors can no longer tolerate the financial losses incurred. These investors then capitulate (give up) and sell in panic, or find that their pre-set sell stops have been triggered, thereby automatically liquidating their holdings in a given stock. This may trigger a further decline in the stock's price, if not already anticipated by the market. Margin calls and mutual fund and hedge fund redemptions significantly contribute to capitulations.

The contrarians consider a capitulation a sign of a possible bottom in prices. This is because almost everyone who wanted (or was forced) to sell stock has already done so, leaving the buyers in the market, and they are expected to drive the prices up.

The peak in volume may precede an actual bottom.

Why didn't I buy stocks in March, 2009? Because, like everyone else, I was too scared to touch them. And that's when the big money was to be made.

Phil Ivey has capitulated. F-Train has capitulated and finally removed the FTP banner from his blog. TonyG has capitulated and PokerNews is not referring any more clients to FTP. Quadjacks have capitulated. Bill Rini is moving toward capitulation.

2p2 is full of threads harshly criticizing Full Tilt's management and team pros. The company is eulogized in every 5th post, with many US players having written off their funds. Non-US players are complaining about cashout problems.

I'm not sure if we have reached full capitulation, but what this all means to me is that we are closer to a surprise development in this saga. I've been wrong before, but if it were possible to purchase FTP shares, I would start buying now.

Justice for all

Wall Street bankers are still gallivanting around in their $1,000 suits. Not one of them has been indicted for the crimes that they committed in bringing the US and world economies to the brink. Yet the DOJ has finally managed to indict the heinous monsters responsible for polluting America with online poker. As long as we have our priorities right, the future looks rosy.

Following Black Friday, there is no doubt in my mind that the freedom-loving quartet of Frist, Kyl, Goodlatte and Leach will be rewarded with this year's Nobel Prize in Economic Sciences. Anything less than that, like a CNN Hero award, would be short-changing them.

RIP Spot. 1991 - May 28, 2011

We had to put the cat down today. She was 20 years old, a fighter to the end.

Your hand reading is atrocious

Young internet kid justifying a poor call : "I ran into the top of your range."

Back to live

Now that online poker is off limits, it's back to waiting lists, human interaction and 27 hands per hour. My last favorite venue was the Venetian, a spacious cardroom with good games and good staff. However, Xiulian, an accursed cooler-dealing witch, single-handedly wiped out 4 weeks of profits in 4 downs, so I have decided to try the Bellagio. The scenery is the same but for the extra addition of UIGEA refugees.

Poker face

Justice has been done

On the morning of September 11, 2001 at 8:30am, I was sitting at my desk in Queens, NYC, waiting for the NYSE to open. I had been trading from home for several months, but prior to that I had worked for a firm on the 45th floor of 1 WTC. CNBC's TV coverage was suddenly interrupted with shocking and unforgettable footage.

Fast forward to tonight, Sunday night, May 1, 2011 at 8:40pm. I am sitting at home in Las Vegas watching President Obama's address to the nation, reporting that Osama bin Laden has been killed.

"Justice has been done."

Norm Macdonald is also funny

I've always been a fan of Norm Macdonald and think he's doing a great job replacing Gabe Kaplan in High Stakes Poker.

2010 WSOP champ Jonathan Duhamel open raises with 88.
NM : "Jonathan picks up a pair."

Amateur Julian Movsesian calls with Kc2c.
NM : "Julian picks up a deuce with a big kicker."

Sigh

Black Friday

PokerStars, Full Tilt Poker and Absolute Poker have been indicted for running afoul of the UIGEA, and arrests have been made. Both PS and FTP have ceased US operations as of today. A personal fuck you to Frist, Kyl, Goodlatte, Leach and the horses they rode in on.





"Unfortunately, as a result of this action, Full Tilt Poker has decided that it must suspend “real money” play in the United States until this case is resolved. However, Full Tilt Poker will continue to provide peer-to-peer online poker services outside of the United States."

Coolered by Randomness

Most of you are by now familiar with my hysterical rants on the random number generators (RNG's) used by online poker sites. After an extremely brutal bad beat, I will often snap-post a short tirade lambasting all those remotely associated with the design, creation, testing and maintenance of the offending RNG. This is solely for my psychological well-being. Truth be told, I have full faith and confidence in the integrity of the RNG on the sites that I play on.

Poker multitabling

I am currently trying out the Peregrine gaming glove which allows you to trigger commands just by touching your fingers with your thumb. The glove has 3 Activator Pads – one on the thumb tip, another on the middle of the thumb, and one on the palm. It's a perfect fit for poker multitabling and I was mindlessly grinding 16 tables when the following hand came up :



I clenched my fist so tightly that a circuit in the glove must have shorted, and smoke starting wafting out of the USB port. I decided that if ever there was a more opportune moment to put my fist through the monitor, it was then, as the glove would prevent any collateral damage to my hand.

Fortunately I quickly came to my senses and instead opted to ram my forehead into the adjacent wall.

FCUK in chat results in automated warning

After a very demoralizing session, heavily punctuated with coolers, bad beats and suckouts, I decided to reach out to the boys who work behind the scenes at Full Tilt. Hopefully the Chat Monitor will be kind enough to pass on my message.

Online Capers VII

1the, an up and coming, non-shortstacking multitabler from Russia, thinks he's found nirvana. He calls my $9 c-bet on the flop when he's a 95% dog, and then watches while 2 running clubs are pulled out of the accommodating arse of the FTP RNG to give him the stone cold nuts, and my stack, on the river. I bite my lip, and then my mousepad.

Online Capers VI

Just to prove that atrocious card players are evenly spread geographically, today's guest, goatherder CarpeDiemRS, comes to us from rural Bosnia and Herzegovina. When not busy chasing goats or flushes, he fills in as the village idiot on a per diem basis.

Online Capers V

A preflop raise wasn't enough to prevent ADASTRAPERASPE, whose IP address has been tracked to a Northern Italian mental institution, from calling with Q8o and cracking my KK. I put the imbecile on AQ when the money went in on the flop. Perhaps I could have gotten away from the hand.

We have a winner!

It's official, I have won 2 free hours of poker coaching from Jeremy "Oldschool" Steinhausen. First session is tomorrow at 12:00 noon. Hopefully everything will be set up in the library on time. Just to be on the safe side, I'll be going round to that old hag's place tonight, with rubber gloves and garden hose in tow.

Free coaching?

Oldschool, one of the poker coaches on 2+2, has offered 2 hours of free coaching for the best original funny story posted in his thread about why someone would need his coaching. I just submitted the truth :

I currently live at St. Luke's, a homeless shelter in east Las Vegas. Having completely depleted my poker bankroll and in desperate need of funds, I am seeking alternative revenue streams and to that end am now training to be a colon hydrotherapist. I have managed to download Full Tilt at a public library, thanks in no small part to a cooperative librarian to whom I promised a free colonic cleansing. I tried convincing her to install the 15-day free trial of HEM as well, but alas she would only do it after the colonic.

[x] Old rubber gloves
[x] St. Luke's garden hose
[ ] Appropriate facility

After an initial 27 BI downswing and a 150k breakeven stretch, I'm crushing 1/2 Rush (4-tabling, FR, play money) and feel I am ready to move up to 5/10. All this without TableNinja, hotkeys and auto Timebank. I am, however, wary of the pitfalls associated with a higher limit and would therefore like some coaching before undertaking such a move.

I realize that a comprehensive DB analysis is necessary and have devised a plan whereby I utilize an unknown Wi-Fi spot in the library, and together with a CAT-5 cable tied around one of my tooth fillings to intercept high frequency radio transmission, and a USB flash drive to transfer my hand history folder, we can temporarily avail ourselves of HEM's free trial and conduct a fruitful first session.

[x] Tooth filling
[ ] $5 CAT-5 cable
[ ] $7 USB flash drive
[x] Initiative

I have no cell phone but will soon be able to be contacted via a homing pigeon that I am training.

[x] oldschool lives in contiguous USA

The winner will be announced at the end of February. Let them laugh at me - I could do with some free poker coaching.

Online Capers IV

It seems as if a KK vs AA situation has to come up in nearly every session. Fuck the system architects at Full Tilt who designed the RNG, fuck Cigital, Inc and TST Labs, the 2 companies that evaluated, tested and accredited the randomness of the RNG, and fuck the respective horses they rode in on. If I've left anyone out, then fuck them too.

Online Capers III

In the grand scheme of things, this SB vs. BB hand is insignificant. However I called on the river because the BB's story didn't make sense. Remember, the story you are telling must at least represent something credible in the context of how the hand is played out.


Full Tilt, $0.50/$1 No Limit Hold'em Cash, 9 Players

Hero (SB): $19.25 (19.3 bb)
BB: $162.75 (162.8 bb)
UTG+1: $45.90 (45.9 bb)
UTG+2: $100 (100 bb)
MP1: $32 (32 bb)
MP2: $111.65 (111.7 bb)
MP3: $232.30 (232.3 bb)
CO: $20.70 (20.7 bb)
BTN: $277.40 (277.4 bb)

Preflop: Hero is SB with Ah 8s
7 folds, Hero completes, BB checks

Flop: ($2) 9h Js 8c (2 players)
Hero checks, BB checks

Turn: ($2) 5h (2 players)
Hero bets $1, BB calls $1

River: ($4) Jh (2 players)
Hero checks, BB bets $3.50, Hero calls $3.50

Results: $11 pot ($0.55 rake)
Final Board: 9h Js 8c 5h Jh
Hero showed Ah 8s and won $10.45 ($4.95 net)
BB showed 4c 7s and lost (-$5.50 net)

Online Capers II

This time we have toooh1, a Northern American idiot (Canada actually) with a VPIP of 44%, who calls my preflop raise with J8s, gets checkraised on the flop and calls with a straight draw, decides to continue chasing by calling a hefty $22.50 turn bet when the pot is $30.40, and then is rewarded for his stubborn persistence with a river card that completes his straight.

False positive?

Got this popup while surfing on 2+2. I did not press OK, in fact I was even scared to close it myself. Instead I opened up Windows Task Manager and ended the application from there. It listed itself as AVG - Windows Explorer, but in fact is malware trying to install itself when activated.

I found this on the interwebs (links intentionally deleted) :

The malware comes from this link : http:// XXXXXXXX.com/

XXXXXXXX redirects to YYYYYYYY.com in my case. The site displays a popup via JavaScript which says: "AV8 has found suspicious activity on your pc and will perform some action on your pc." It does fake virus scan, displays a fake Windows Security Alert, and then downloads a variant of Win32/Kryptik.IMZ trojan:

http:// YYYYYYYY.com/load/ZZZZZZZZZ.exe

Online Capers I

I bet the flop and was raised all-in. I would bury my head in shame had I won this pot in a live setting. But in the anonymity afforded by online play, ikkeno1, a Northern European idiot (Norway actually), gets another fillip to his bankroll before it, and him, dwindle into inevitable obscurity.

gg B&M?

For the first time in many years, I'm looking at getting into more serious online play. Clearly there are advantages to both forms, but $2-$5 at the Venetian is packed with regs and is getting harder to beat. Plus the commute will be shorter.

I know I will be facing more suckouts per hour playing online, but at least I won't be dealt cooler after cooler by that affected whore, Xiulian.

Gambling Tales Podcast returns

The Gambling Tales Podcast is back "on the air" with new shows weekly. Special K and Falstaff are the ones to blame. They will focus on a single topic each week, and will also reveal the password to their weekly Thursday Full Tilt freeroll tournament. I am now trying to get my hands on some headphones so that I can listen to one of these in the public library I frequent.

Table lag?

"Where was that flop last hand?"

I hear this at least once every time I play live. A player will bemoan the fact that the current flop is what he sorely needed in the previous hand in which he probably lost. The dealer or another player will then chime in with "Flop lag", everyone smiles and the game continues.

When multitabling online a similar situation can occur, only it is inter-table and concurrent.

Cowboys Full: The Story of Poker

I don't recall ever having read a history book. That is until I got my hands on Cowboys Full, a colorful and comprehensive description of how poker evolved into the popular game it is today. Author James McManus combines academic research with a gift for the narrative to produce a book which kept my interest from the first page to the very end.

Whether he's grinding online or playing live, a poker player at least owes it to himself to find out the origins of what he's spending hours, days and years on.

Read the book - you won't be disappointed.

Poker Hall of Shame VI

Today was the second time I played at the Aria. I was involved in a hand with a regular in which I lost a huge pot. The details are irrelevant but suffice it to say that it was a very ugly beat. Immediately afterwards, it was difficult discerning who had the larger smirk, the scumbag dealer Michael as he pushed the pot, or the smug regular. Way to go Aria! Way to go Altweis!

Evolutionary anthropology

This has yet to be confirmed by any official scientific body, but last night at South Point I sighted a previously unknown species that genetically links the Cro-Magnons with the Neanderthals - in the form of Claudio the dealer. International teams of forensic anthropologists and radiocarbon dating experts are being dispatched to Las Vegas as we speak.

Rebel Oil Racing Fuel

Even worse than the bad beats at the Venetian this morning was the near collision I experienced the previous night (Monday, November 22, 9:58pm), when a Rebel Oil double-tanker truck failed to yield at the I-215 and Windmill entrance, and sped through inches past me like in a scene from Duel. A friend jotted down his registration (Nevada 446741) while I regained my composure.

Spurious correlation?

I had no idea that early Tuesday morning at the Venetian was F.U.D.C* Day. First that bitch Lisa deals me KhQh, puts out an all-heart flop, but not before making sure that my opponent has Ah6h. Then that prick Fernando sees to it that I'm beaten on the river by an obvious bluffer who makes his gutshot straight.

You've been warned - if they're fat and ugly and it's Tuesday morning, get up and take a walk for 30 minutes.


* Fat Ugly Dealer Cooler

We have a winner

Canadian Jonathan Duhamel, the incoming chip leader, won the 2010 WSOP Main Event bracelet. Equally impressive was John Racener (pictured below) who folded his way into second place.


                             (Courtesy of nonecks from 2+2)

WSOP 2010 November Nine

I'm watching the live stream on ESPN3 and John Racener is still chewing like a fucking camel. Candio just moved all-in and Duhamel called in a 30 million pot. At this stage, the only thing moving in the Penn & Teller Theatre is Racener's jaws.

Calm before the storm

It was a variance free, boring session till dealer Tom stepped in. I had about $600 in front of me, having bought in for $500. Then came the 2 hands that unhinged me.

Hand 1
I limp in with AdJd in early position. Many callers.

Flop comes 8d 5d Tc
I bet $25, only old fart calls.

Turn is As
I bet $50, old fart calls.

River is Jc
I check and old fart bets $110. I call with my 2-pair and old fart takes the pot with KdQd, hitting a 3-outer to make his broadway.

Hand 2
Creepy lady raises to $40 from middle position and I am the only caller from the big blind with 88.

Flop comes Jd 8d 4d
Of course we get it all-in and creepy lady has JJ.

Somewhat tilted, I rebuy for another $500. And after an orbit, Tom deals the third pivotal hand of his down.

Hand 3
Very nice Italian guy who has me covered raises to $35 from late position. Once again I am the only caller with Ts9s in the big blind. Dubious call? Yes.

Flop comes 8s 5d 2c
I check and Italian guy bets $60. I have missed the flop entirely but somehow feel that the runner-runner possibilities warrant a tilt-induced call. I call.

Turn is 7s
I now have an open-ended straight flush draw and push with my remaining $380. Italian guy thinks for a bit, reads me correctly and calls.

River is Ks
My flush beats his QQ and I double up. Dealer Tom soon finishes his down, and thankfully my play and mental state are now back to where they were when he stepped in.

Wrigley to sponsor John Racener

Hopefully John Racener can brush up his act for the upcoming November Nine telecast. I found his open-mouthed chewing disgusting to watch.

Infusion and confusion

As thunderstorms hit Las Vegas, I am fortunate to finally have a non-cardboard roof over my head. It's a long story best left for another time, but surprisingly enough does not involve tournament chips.

I have been playing some $2-$5 at the Venetian thanks to $360 I recently earned as a participant in an FDA approved clinical study for a malady too embarrassing to mention. The denizens at the V are an eclectic bunch comprised of local grinders, visiting grinders, drunken tourists, off-duty dealers, conventioneers, busted-out tournament players, degenerates, to name but a few. After playing with a group for a few hours, different bonds are formed; cliques, friendships, rivalries - both feigned and real.

Last night I had about $650 in front of me, with the 2 big stacks ($2,000 +) to my immediate right (RBS) and two to my left (LBS). LBS was a very loose and aggressive European who would both raise and call pre-flop with what seemed like ATC, and continued the bulldozing post-flop. I limped with Qs9c and was one of 2 callers of LBS's $30 button raise.

The flop came Qc 9d 8c giving me top 2-pair.

EP checked, I bet $40, LBS and EP both called.

The turn was Ah.

When EP checked to me, I put LBS on air and decided to commit myself to the hand. I bet $200. LBS called with his normal tempo while EP folded. At this stage I could not put LBS on any hand, thought that I was probably ahead, so I decided to go all-in with my remaining $300 before the dealer put out the river.

The river was 9s giving me a full house.

LBS pondered for a while and called. I tabled my boat and he folded face down. In the ensuing discussion I had with RBS, the latter thought that I may well have been behind on the turn with LBS perhaps holding 88. I agreed, though there is also the possibility of 98 and KK where I didn't need to get lucky. Another question is whether my push "in the dark" had any influence on his call. Perhaps he put me on a busted flush draw?

I hope I see LBS again because the curiosity is starting to kill this cat.

End of summer

It got down to 58 degrees here in Vegas overnight and very soon sleeping under the stars will no longer be an option. My plan is to pass off some worthless tournament chips to an unwitting landlord. Failing that, it's back to the shelter.

People are strange

Why is it that whenever someone expresses interest in moving to another table because "there is no action on this table", that player is invariably the tightest nit on the table? Paradoxically, their departure can only lead to an increase in action.

This just in : Best hand holds up!!!

$2-$5 Venetian, early Sunday morning, saw the following unfurl. I am on the button with AcKc and a relatively short stack of $285, several players limp in and I decide to just call, as do the small and big blinds.

Flop : Jd Th 7d

Checked around.

Turn : Qh

EP bets $25, hijack and cutoff call, I raise all-in to $280, EP calls, hijack calls, cutoff goes all-in for another $460, EP calls, hijack folds. Other players not mentioned fold.

River : 6c

EP turns over QdTd and loses the sidepot to the cutoff's K9 offsuit, which is also what the hijack folded. I take down the $1,200 main pot and quadruple up. This is what we play for.

Rucked in the fear again

There's a limit to the tit I can shake.

Tuck Full Filt

Nothing like getting a bad beat on a Sunday morning to bring out the irrational feelings festering inside of me. I'm leading with set over set on the flop, we get it all-in, and my opponent is graciously rewarded with the 1-outer needed to make quads on the turn. I immediately picture an arena filled with Full Tilt executives and software engineers self-immolating. It soothes the pain, kerosene fumes notwithstanding.

Greek icon

Found myself sitting next to this self-proclaimed wanker from Greece. Still not sure what the fwtinaki means.

Decked cold

Sat next to a young lady who turned out to be Jessica Welman, writer for Bluff magazine, last night. She was coughing intermittently - most of the time she covered her mouth but many times she didn't have the chance. I overheard her telling the player to her right she was fighting off a cold. Tonight my eyes and throat are sore and my nose is running. Jessica, my dear, you have a wonderful personality, are a pleasure to play with, but have some consideration for others and stay the fuck out of a cardroom when you're sick. Thank you.

Fetting gelted

Experienced a binging stad beat dealt by the posser Taul at the M nast light. Wucking fanker deals a runner flunner rush to give some praniac mick my $300 stack.

Flopanomics

Respectable looking player at the table says that J 7 2 is the most commonly occurring flop. General silence that follows is interpreted as table acquiescence. I sit quietly not wishing to respond to his nonsense.

Royal flush

I made my 2nd royal flush in 10 years at the M early yesterday morning. We were 3 handed so I didn't qualify for the high hand jackpot which would have been $313. I was royally pissed.

Service at its best

I'm playing $2-$5 NLHE at the Venetian. The cocktail waitress comes around and I order a black coffee, no cream. She comes back a few minutes later, apologizing :

"I'm sorry, we're out of cream. Would you take your coffee without milk?"

WSOP 2010

Vegas is packed with aspiring WSOP hopefuls. Dreams will be made for the very few at the expense of the thousands making the annual pilgrimage. As usual, I am encountering both the beautiful and the ugly, the mean and the kind, the fun loving and the dour, the brazen and the meek, not to mention all the shades in between. A cornucopia of card players on a mission.

Cheating

PokerStars recently busted a huge collusion ring that allegedly scammed at least $750,000 from other players in the Double or Nothing SNG's. Read all about it here.

Reminds me of the Green Valley Ranch poker room of not so long ago, where the locals were notorious for colluding in some of the games. Management of course turned a blind eye, and needless to say the room is languishing today.

Last orbit

It can be online or live. I have decided to leave the table after a successful session. Online this would entail unchecking the "Auto-Post Blinds" box and waiting till the big blind comes around. In live play I would be racking up.

And then it comes, the very last hand before I physically or virtually leave the table. It's just a formality, an easy fold. I've convinced myself that it's not worth getting involved with one foot already out the proverbial door. I am psychologically detached from the game and have already mentally booked the exact dollar amount of my winnings.

I look down at 2 red kings. Well, fuck me sideways.

Venetian still the nuts

After playing for months at local casinos, had a good session playing $2-$5 at the Venetian. Apart from the usual tourists, there were some very good players who had no trouble 3-betting pre-flop with rags. The place was chock-a-block full, the Deep Stack tournament no doubt being a factor. There remains no doubt that the Venetian is the number one room in Vegas today.

Thanks for the memories, South Point

After a series of horrendous bad beats several months ago, I took a break from playing at the South Point poker room. Not being the superstitious type, I decided to give them another chance yesterday but immediately ran into the unsympathetic and dour-faced dealer Val who, true to his past form, continued to unleash his amazing ability to conjure up 2-outers to my opponents. Unfortunately that is the only skill he is blessed with. You see, Val embodies the antithesis of friendly customer service so sorely needed in the gaming industry. I have yet to hear him utter the usual "good luck everybody" at the beginning of a down, in fact there is zero interaction between him and the players. Claudio is another soulless robot who does nothing to promote a pleasant playing experience. These 2 are in sharp contrast to the more affable dealers like Bill, Rex, Manny, Frank, Tom, Dominic and others.

Harold, Perry, Bob and Joe - take heed.

Breaking news

In a watershed decision aimed at improving the quality of my life, I have sworn off poker and all other forms of gambling, effective today.

No list

The local poker rooms are really feeling the pinch and are sparsely populated on the traditionally quiet weekday nights. The landscape has changed considerably over the 7 years I have been frequenting Vegas cardrooms. A lot of the gleamy-eyed college kid rounders that I bumped into on a regular basis have returned to whence they came. Dealers and floor staff have been laid off. Not a bright picture.

Is poker a sport?

Can you get injured while partaking in a game of poker?

On the tube

We finally have a decent poker show on TV now that Season 6 of High Stakes Poker has begun. My only gripe is that I find it difficult to discern a spade from a club on their visuals.




Watching the Winter Olympics brings back fond memories of when I competed in the 1988 games in Calgary. I was lagging at the back of the field in the biathlon and, out of sheer frustration, decided my only chance was to open fire directly above the heads of the other competitors. Fortunately sanity prevailed and I quashed that plan. I haven't competed since.

Poker Hall of Shame V

Next time poker-playing drecksack Sascha Cornils does a web search on his name, he will undoubtedly come across this post. It will be a sombre reminder how a lapse in judgement, laced with a dose of obnoxious immaturity, will come back to haunt him as long as the internet is accessible to mankind. And without further ado, here is the mother of all slowrolls :

Live poker

$1-$2 NLHE at the Venetian. A well-dressed businessman is on my left, with an older retiree on my right. Both obviously have thrown common decency and hygienic etiquette to the wind by sitting at the table with heavy colds or flu. They are both nasally congested and their loud snorting and sniffling is accompanied by the soft sound of swallowing. I find it difficult to drink my tea, even though I am not that sensitive.

I am tempted to bring a box of tissues from the main podium but instead order 2 cokes and wait. Businessman is just taking his first sip of a Strawberry Julius when I turn slightly toward him and let out a firm, prolonged belch. He appears shocked but I still maintain eye contact. I repeat the same with retiree, only twice. Both leave within a few minutes of my onslaught. I apologize to the table but there is no need.