Norm Macdonald is also funny

I've always been a fan of Norm Macdonald and think he's doing a great job replacing Gabe Kaplan in High Stakes Poker.

2010 WSOP champ Jonathan Duhamel open raises with 88.
NM : "Jonathan picks up a pair."

Amateur Julian Movsesian calls with Kc2c.
NM : "Julian picks up a deuce with a big kicker."

Sigh

Black Friday

PokerStars, Full Tilt Poker and Absolute Poker have been indicted for running afoul of the UIGEA, and arrests have been made. Both PS and FTP have ceased US operations as of today. A personal fuck you to Frist, Kyl, Goodlatte, Leach and the horses they rode in on.





"Unfortunately, as a result of this action, Full Tilt Poker has decided that it must suspend “real money” play in the United States until this case is resolved. However, Full Tilt Poker will continue to provide peer-to-peer online poker services outside of the United States."

Coolered by Randomness

Most of you are by now familiar with my hysterical rants on the random number generators (RNG's) used by online poker sites. After an extremely brutal bad beat, I will often snap-post a short tirade lambasting all those remotely associated with the design, creation, testing and maintenance of the offending RNG. This is solely for my psychological well-being. Truth be told, I have full faith and confidence in the integrity of the RNG on the sites that I play on.

Poker multitabling

I am currently trying out the Peregrine gaming glove which allows you to trigger commands just by touching your fingers with your thumb. The glove has 3 Activator Pads – one on the thumb tip, another on the middle of the thumb, and one on the palm. It's a perfect fit for poker multitabling and I was mindlessly grinding 16 tables when the following hand came up :



I clenched my fist so tightly that a circuit in the glove must have shorted, and smoke starting wafting out of the USB port. I decided that if ever there was a more opportune moment to put my fist through the monitor, it was then, as the glove would prevent any collateral damage to my hand.

Fortunately I quickly came to my senses and instead opted to ram my forehead into the adjacent wall.

FCUK in chat results in automated warning

After a very demoralizing session, heavily punctuated with coolers, bad beats and suckouts, I decided to reach out to the boys who work behind the scenes at Full Tilt. Hopefully the Chat Monitor will be kind enough to pass on my message.

Online Capers VII

1the, an up and coming, non-shortstacking multitabler from Russia, thinks he's found nirvana. He calls my $9 c-bet on the flop when he's a 95% dog, and then watches while 2 running clubs are pulled out of the accommodating arse of the FTP RNG to give him the stone cold nuts, and my stack, on the river. I bite my lip, and then my mousepad.

Online Capers VI

Just to prove that atrocious card players are evenly spread geographically, today's guest, goatherder CarpeDiemRS, comes to us from rural Bosnia and Herzegovina. When not busy chasing goats or flushes, he fills in as the village idiot on a per diem basis.

Online Capers V

A preflop raise wasn't enough to prevent ADASTRAPERASPE, whose IP address has been tracked to a Northern Italian mental institution, from calling with Q8o and cracking my KK. I put the imbecile on AQ when the money went in on the flop. Perhaps I could have gotten away from the hand.

We have a winner!

It's official, I have won 2 free hours of poker coaching from Jeremy "Oldschool" Steinhausen. First session is tomorrow at 12:00 noon. Hopefully everything will be set up in the library on time. Just to be on the safe side, I'll be going round to that old hag's place tonight, with rubber gloves and garden hose in tow.

Free coaching?

Oldschool, one of the poker coaches on 2+2, has offered 2 hours of free coaching for the best original funny story posted in his thread about why someone would need his coaching. I just submitted the truth :

I currently live at St. Luke's, a homeless shelter in east Las Vegas. Having completely depleted my poker bankroll and in desperate need of funds, I am seeking alternative revenue streams and to that end am now training to be a colon hydrotherapist. I have managed to download Full Tilt at a public library, thanks in no small part to a cooperative librarian to whom I promised a free colonic cleansing. I tried convincing her to install the 15-day free trial of HEM as well, but alas she would only do it after the colonic.

[x] Old rubber gloves
[x] St. Luke's garden hose
[ ] Appropriate facility

After an initial 27 BI downswing and a 150k breakeven stretch, I'm crushing 1/2 Rush (4-tabling, FR, play money) and feel I am ready to move up to 5/10. All this without TableNinja, hotkeys and auto Timebank. I am, however, wary of the pitfalls associated with a higher limit and would therefore like some coaching before undertaking such a move.

I realize that a comprehensive DB analysis is necessary and have devised a plan whereby I utilize an unknown Wi-Fi spot in the library, and together with a CAT-5 cable tied around one of my tooth fillings to intercept high frequency radio transmission, and a USB flash drive to transfer my hand history folder, we can temporarily avail ourselves of HEM's free trial and conduct a fruitful first session.

[x] Tooth filling
[ ] $5 CAT-5 cable
[ ] $7 USB flash drive
[x] Initiative

I have no cell phone but will soon be able to be contacted via a homing pigeon that I am training.

[x] oldschool lives in contiguous USA

The winner will be announced at the end of February. Let them laugh at me - I could do with some free poker coaching.

Online Capers IV

It seems as if a KK vs AA situation has to come up in nearly every session. Fuck the system architects at Full Tilt who designed the RNG, fuck Cigital, Inc and TST Labs, the 2 companies that evaluated, tested and accredited the randomness of the RNG, and fuck the respective horses they rode in on. If I've left anyone out, then fuck them too.

Online Capers III

In the grand scheme of things, this SB vs. BB hand is insignificant. However I called on the river because the BB's story didn't make sense. Remember, the story you are telling must at least represent something credible in the context of how the hand is played out.


Full Tilt, $0.50/$1 No Limit Hold'em Cash, 9 Players

Hero (SB): $19.25 (19.3 bb)
BB: $162.75 (162.8 bb)
UTG+1: $45.90 (45.9 bb)
UTG+2: $100 (100 bb)
MP1: $32 (32 bb)
MP2: $111.65 (111.7 bb)
MP3: $232.30 (232.3 bb)
CO: $20.70 (20.7 bb)
BTN: $277.40 (277.4 bb)

Preflop: Hero is SB with Ah 8s
7 folds, Hero completes, BB checks

Flop: ($2) 9h Js 8c (2 players)
Hero checks, BB checks

Turn: ($2) 5h (2 players)
Hero bets $1, BB calls $1

River: ($4) Jh (2 players)
Hero checks, BB bets $3.50, Hero calls $3.50

Results: $11 pot ($0.55 rake)
Final Board: 9h Js 8c 5h Jh
Hero showed Ah 8s and won $10.45 ($4.95 net)
BB showed 4c 7s and lost (-$5.50 net)

Online Capers II

This time we have toooh1, a Northern American idiot (Canada actually) with a VPIP of 44%, who calls my preflop raise with J8s, gets checkraised on the flop and calls with a straight draw, decides to continue chasing by calling a hefty $22.50 turn bet when the pot is $30.40, and then is rewarded for his stubborn persistence with a river card that completes his straight.

False positive?

Got this popup while surfing on 2+2. I did not press OK, in fact I was even scared to close it myself. Instead I opened up Windows Task Manager and ended the application from there. It listed itself as AVG - Windows Explorer, but in fact is malware trying to install itself when activated.

I found this on the interwebs (links intentionally deleted) :

The malware comes from this link : http:// XXXXXXXX.com/

XXXXXXXX redirects to YYYYYYYY.com in my case. The site displays a popup via JavaScript which says: "AV8 has found suspicious activity on your pc and will perform some action on your pc." It does fake virus scan, displays a fake Windows Security Alert, and then downloads a variant of Win32/Kryptik.IMZ trojan:

http:// YYYYYYYY.com/load/ZZZZZZZZZ.exe

Online Capers I

I bet the flop and was raised all-in. I would bury my head in shame had I won this pot in a live setting. But in the anonymity afforded by online play, ikkeno1, a Northern European idiot (Norway actually), gets another fillip to his bankroll before it, and him, dwindle into inevitable obscurity.

gg B&M?

For the first time in many years, I'm looking at getting into more serious online play. Clearly there are advantages to both forms, but $2-$5 at the Venetian is packed with regs and is getting harder to beat. Plus the commute will be shorter.

I know I will be facing more suckouts per hour playing online, but at least I won't be dealt cooler after cooler by that affected whore, Xiulian.

Gambling Tales Podcast returns

The Gambling Tales Podcast is back "on the air" with new shows weekly. Special K and Falstaff are the ones to blame. They will focus on a single topic each week, and will also reveal the password to their weekly Thursday Full Tilt freeroll tournament. I am now trying to get my hands on some headphones so that I can listen to one of these in the public library I frequent.

Table lag?

"Where was that flop last hand?"

I hear this at least once every time I play live. A player will bemoan the fact that the current flop is what he sorely needed in the previous hand in which he probably lost. The dealer or another player will then chime in with "Flop lag", everyone smiles and the game continues.

When multitabling online a similar situation can occur, only it is inter-table and concurrent.

Cowboys Full: The Story of Poker

I don't recall ever having read a history book. That is until I got my hands on Cowboys Full, a colorful and comprehensive description of how poker evolved into the popular game it is today. Author James McManus combines academic research with a gift for the narrative to produce a book which kept my interest from the first page to the very end.

Whether he's grinding online or playing live, a poker player at least owes it to himself to find out the origins of what he's spending hours, days and years on.

Read the book - you won't be disappointed.

Poker Hall of Shame VI

Today was the second time I played at the Aria. I was involved in a hand with a regular in which I lost a huge pot. The details are irrelevant but suffice it to say that it was a very ugly beat. Immediately afterwards, it was difficult discerning who had the larger smirk, the scumbag dealer Michael as he pushed the pot, or the smug regular. Way to go Aria! Way to go Altweis!

Evolutionary anthropology

This has yet to be confirmed by any official scientific body, but last night at South Point I sighted a previously unknown species that genetically links the Cro-Magnons with the Neanderthals - in the form of Claudio the dealer. International teams of forensic anthropologists and radiocarbon dating experts are being dispatched to Las Vegas as we speak.

Rebel Oil Racing Fuel

Even worse than the bad beats at the Venetian this morning was the near collision I experienced the previous night (Monday, November 22, 9:58pm), when a Rebel Oil double-tanker truck failed to yield at the I-215 and Windmill entrance, and sped through inches past me like in a scene from Duel. A friend jotted down his registration (Nevada 446741) while I regained my composure.

Spurious correlation?

I had no idea that early Tuesday morning at the Venetian was F.U.D.C* Day. First that bitch Lisa deals me KhQh, puts out an all-heart flop, but not before making sure that my opponent has Ah6h. Then that prick Fernando sees to it that I'm beaten on the river by an obvious bluffer who makes his gutshot straight.

You've been warned - if they're fat and ugly and it's Tuesday morning, get up and take a walk for 30 minutes.


* Fat Ugly Dealer Cooler

We have a winner

Canadian Jonathan Duhamel, the incoming chip leader, won the 2010 WSOP Main Event bracelet. Equally impressive was John Racener (pictured below) who folded his way into second place.


                             (Courtesy of nonecks from 2+2)

WSOP 2010 November Nine

I'm watching the live stream on ESPN3 and John Racener is still chewing like a fucking camel. Candio just moved all-in and Duhamel called in a 30 million pot. At this stage, the only thing moving in the Penn & Teller Theatre is Racener's jaws.

Calm before the storm

It was a variance free, boring session till dealer Tom stepped in. I had about $600 in front of me, having bought in for $500. Then came the 2 hands that unhinged me.

Hand 1
I limp in with AdJd in early position. Many callers.

Flop comes 8d 5d Tc
I bet $25, only old fart calls.

Turn is As
I bet $50, old fart calls.

River is Jc
I check and old fart bets $110. I call with my 2-pair and old fart takes the pot with KdQd, hitting a 3-outer to make his broadway.

Hand 2
Creepy lady raises to $40 from middle position and I am the only caller from the big blind with 88.

Flop comes Jd 8d 4d
Of course we get it all-in and creepy lady has JJ.

Somewhat tilted, I rebuy for another $500. And after an orbit, Tom deals the third pivotal hand of his down.

Hand 3
Very nice Italian guy who has me covered raises to $35 from late position. Once again I am the only caller with Ts9s in the big blind. Dubious call? Yes.

Flop comes 8s 5d 2c
I check and Italian guy bets $60. I have missed the flop entirely but somehow feel that the runner-runner possibilities warrant a tilt-induced call. I call.

Turn is 7s
I now have an open-ended straight flush draw and push with my remaining $380. Italian guy thinks for a bit, reads me correctly and calls.

River is Ks
My flush beats his QQ and I double up. Dealer Tom soon finishes his down, and thankfully my play and mental state are now back to where they were when he stepped in.

Wrigley to sponsor John Racener

Hopefully John Racener can brush up his act for the upcoming November Nine telecast. I found his open-mouthed chewing disgusting to watch.

Infusion and confusion

As thunderstorms hit Las Vegas, I am fortunate to finally have a non-cardboard roof over my head. It's a long story best left for another time, but surprisingly enough does not involve tournament chips.

I have been playing some $2-$5 at the Venetian thanks to $360 I recently earned as a participant in an FDA approved clinical study for a malady too embarrassing to mention. The denizens at the V are an eclectic bunch comprised of local grinders, visiting grinders, drunken tourists, off-duty dealers, conventioneers, busted-out tournament players, degenerates, to name but a few. After playing with a group for a few hours, different bonds are formed; cliques, friendships, rivalries - both feigned and real.

Last night I had about $650 in front of me, with the 2 big stacks ($2,000 +) to my immediate right (RBS) and two to my left (LBS). LBS was a very loose and aggressive European who would both raise and call pre-flop with what seemed like ATC, and continued the bulldozing post-flop. I limped with Qs9c and was one of 2 callers of LBS's $30 button raise.

The flop came Qc 9d 8c giving me top 2-pair.

EP checked, I bet $40, LBS and EP both called.

The turn was Ah.

When EP checked to me, I put LBS on air and decided to commit myself to the hand. I bet $200. LBS called with his normal tempo while EP folded. At this stage I could not put LBS on any hand, thought that I was probably ahead, so I decided to go all-in with my remaining $300 before the dealer put out the river.

The river was 9s giving me a full house.

LBS pondered for a while and called. I tabled my boat and he folded face down. In the ensuing discussion I had with RBS, the latter thought that I may well have been behind on the turn with LBS perhaps holding 88. I agreed, though there is also the possibility of 98 and KK where I didn't need to get lucky. Another question is whether my push "in the dark" had any influence on his call. Perhaps he put me on a busted flush draw?

I hope I see LBS again because the curiosity is starting to kill this cat.

End of summer

It got down to 58 degrees here in Vegas overnight and very soon sleeping under the stars will no longer be an option. My plan is to pass off some worthless tournament chips to an unwitting landlord. Failing that, it's back to the shelter.

People are strange

Why is it that whenever someone expresses interest in moving to another table because "there is no action on this table", that player is invariably the tightest nit on the table? Paradoxically, their departure can only lead to an increase in action.

This just in : Best hand holds up!!!

$2-$5 Venetian, early Sunday morning, saw the following unfurl. I am on the button with AcKc and a relatively short stack of $285, several players limp in and I decide to just call, as do the small and big blinds.

Flop : Jd Th 7d

Checked around.

Turn : Qh

EP bets $25, hijack and cutoff call, I raise all-in to $280, EP calls, hijack calls, cutoff goes all-in for another $460, EP calls, hijack folds. Other players not mentioned fold.

River : 6c

EP turns over QdTd and loses the sidepot to the cutoff's K9 offsuit, which is also what the hijack folded. I take down the $1,200 main pot and quadruple up. This is what we play for.

Rucked in the fear again

There's a limit to the tit I can shake.

Tuck Full Filt

Nothing like getting a bad beat on a Sunday morning to bring out the irrational feelings festering inside of me. I'm leading with set over set on the flop, we get it all-in, and my opponent is graciously rewarded with the 1-outer needed to make quads on the turn. I immediately picture an arena filled with Full Tilt executives and software engineers self-immolating. It soothes the pain, kerosene fumes notwithstanding.

Greek icon

Found myself sitting next to this self-proclaimed wanker from Greece. Still not sure what the fwtinaki means.

Decked cold

Sat next to a young lady who turned out to be Jessica Welman, writer for Bluff magazine, last night. She was coughing intermittently - most of the time she covered her mouth but many times she didn't have the chance. I overheard her telling the player to her right she was fighting off a cold. Tonight my eyes and throat are sore and my nose is running. Jessica, my dear, you have a wonderful personality, are a pleasure to play with, but have some consideration for others and stay the fuck out of a cardroom when you're sick. Thank you.

Fetting gelted

Experienced a binging stad beat dealt by the posser Taul at the M nast light. Wucking fanker deals a runner flunner rush to give some praniac mick my $300 stack.

Flopanomics

Respectable looking player at the table says that J 7 2 is the most commonly occurring flop. General silence that follows is interpreted as table acquiescence. I sit quietly not wishing to respond to his nonsense.

Royal flush

I made my 2nd royal flush in 10 years at the M early yesterday morning. We were 3 handed so I didn't qualify for the high hand jackpot which would have been $313. I was royally pissed.

Service at its best

I'm playing $2-$5 NLHE at the Venetian. The cocktail waitress comes around and I order a black coffee, no cream. She comes back a few minutes later, apologizing :

"I'm sorry, we're out of cream. Would you take your coffee without milk?"

WSOP 2010

Vegas is packed with aspiring WSOP hopefuls. Dreams will be made for the very few at the expense of the thousands making the annual pilgrimage. As usual, I am encountering both the beautiful and the ugly, the mean and the kind, the fun loving and the dour, the brazen and the meek, not to mention all the shades in between. A cornucopia of card players on a mission.

Cheating

PokerStars recently busted a huge collusion ring that allegedly scammed at least $750,000 from other players in the Double or Nothing SNG's. Read all about it here.

Reminds me of the Green Valley Ranch poker room of not so long ago, where the locals were notorious for colluding in some of the games. Management of course turned a blind eye, and needless to say the room is languishing today.

Last orbit

It can be online or live. I have decided to leave the table after a successful session. Online this would entail unchecking the "Auto-Post Blinds" box and waiting till the big blind comes around. In live play I would be racking up.

And then it comes, the very last hand before I physically or virtually leave the table. It's just a formality, an easy fold. I've convinced myself that it's not worth getting involved with one foot already out the proverbial door. I am psychologically detached from the game and have already mentally booked the exact dollar amount of my winnings.

I look down at 2 red kings. Well, fuck me sideways.

Venetian still the nuts

After playing for months at local casinos, had a good session playing $2-$5 at the Venetian. Apart from the usual tourists, there were some very good players who had no trouble 3-betting pre-flop with rags. The place was chock-a-block full, the Deep Stack tournament no doubt being a factor. There remains no doubt that the Venetian is the number one room in Vegas today.

Thanks for the memories, South Point

After a series of horrendous bad beats several months ago, I took a break from playing at the South Point poker room. Not being the superstitious type, I decided to give them another chance yesterday but immediately ran into the unsympathetic and dour-faced dealer Val who, true to his past form, continued to unleash his amazing ability to conjure up 2-outers to my opponents. Unfortunately that is the only skill he is blessed with. You see, Val embodies the antithesis of friendly customer service so sorely needed in the gaming industry. I have yet to hear him utter the usual "good luck everybody" at the beginning of a down, in fact there is zero interaction between him and the players. Claudio is another soulless robot who does nothing to promote a pleasant playing experience. These 2 are in sharp contrast to the more affable dealers like Bill, Rex, Manny, Frank, Tom, Dominic and others.

Harold, Perry, Bob and Joe - take heed.

Breaking news

In a watershed decision aimed at improving the quality of my life, I have sworn off poker and all other forms of gambling, effective today.

No list

The local poker rooms are really feeling the pinch and are sparsely populated on the traditionally quiet weekday nights. The landscape has changed considerably over the 7 years I have been frequenting Vegas cardrooms. A lot of the gleamy-eyed college kid rounders that I bumped into on a regular basis have returned to whence they came. Dealers and floor staff have been laid off. Not a bright picture.

Is poker a sport?

Can you get injured while partaking in a game of poker?

On the tube

We finally have a decent poker show on TV now that Season 6 of High Stakes Poker has begun. My only gripe is that I find it difficult to discern a spade from a club on their visuals.




Watching the Winter Olympics brings back fond memories of when I competed in the 1988 games in Calgary. I was lagging at the back of the field in the biathlon and, out of sheer frustration, decided my only chance was to open fire directly above the heads of the other competitors. Fortunately sanity prevailed and I quashed that plan. I haven't competed since.

Poker Hall of Shame V

Next time poker-playing drecksack Sascha Cornils does a web search on his name, he will undoubtedly come across this post. It will be a sombre reminder how a lapse in judgement, laced with a dose of obnoxious immaturity, will come back to haunt him as long as the internet is accessible to mankind. And without further ado, here is the mother of all slowrolls :

Live poker

$1-$2 NLHE at the Venetian. A well-dressed businessman is on my left, with an older retiree on my right. Both obviously have thrown common decency and hygienic etiquette to the wind by sitting at the table with heavy colds or flu. They are both nasally congested and their loud snorting and sniffling is accompanied by the soft sound of swallowing. I find it difficult to drink my tea, even though I am not that sensitive.

I am tempted to bring a box of tissues from the main podium but instead order 2 cokes and wait. Businessman is just taking his first sip of a Strawberry Julius when I turn slightly toward him and let out a firm, prolonged belch. He appears shocked but I still maintain eye contact. I repeat the same with retiree, only twice. Both leave within a few minutes of my onslaught. I apologize to the table but there is no need.

Now Chao mucks fe up

Last time it was Tony, this time that chickhead Dao sticks a $700 fork into me. Cucking funt! And to top it off, I catch the flu from bucking Fill who decides to come in to deal despite being sick. Pucking Fouth Soint!

Cracked aces, Spooner and Cinderella

I get dealt back to back aces by Tony and they're both crucking facked. 2 hours later I'm at home, still muttering to myself. Tucking Fony! Fortunately I have the presence of mind to do what I always do when I need to calm down - read Ronnie Barker's version of Cinderella :


This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards.

One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.

"Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

5 most tilting pros?

2+2 has a thread about the 5 poker pros that tilt you the most. I found the following posts humorous even though they do not necessarily reflect my own views.

Annie Duke - loves her own voice, doesnt let others have their say, is a complete tool imo. She's also a UB c*cksucker. Pokerlistings says shes "articulate and attractive" wrong on both accounts.

Phil Laak - can't stand the bloke, I wouldnt p*ss on him if he was on fire. Talks so much crap loves the camera's too much. Once in a documentary he got on his high horse because this guy said the word f*ck. Get a grip.

David Williams - absolute turd, toothpick, remember him in a barryg video on pokerroad saying he was from the ghetto, obvs trying to making him sound cool.

Humberto Brenes - Should be run over by a bus then fed to sharks, this must be filmed on camera and shown before every main event.

Phil Hellmuth - has the attitude of an 8 year old with special needs. Also he somehow always manages to get the rules bent for him when he goes off one on. Would probably sell his own mum if he got paid enough.

Posted by FastFuse

durrr ... on hsp when he rocks back and forth slightly.. faaaarkk

laak... id love to break this kunts nose

esfandiari... makes me sick to the point i once chucked my laptop on the floor ( coupled with laak FMD!! with their pushups and c...sucking antics; weeeee, zipping up head )

harrington... looks like a senile old fk, i nearly came when my mate pretty much stacked him in wsopme with qq on an ak board

jean robert.... insta start a fight if i ever see him

scotty... thinks hes a ***** triad

raymer,,, fat knt

pretty much every poker player tilts the fkk out of me, with their ***** staredowns and WOWS and nice hands and sirs and tapping of the ***** table and one times and so sicks fffffaaaaaarrkkkk

honerable mentions online.. ***** checkboxes[], this, owned,pawned,nh,ty,vnh

get fked

tod brunson.. the way he puts chips in the middle

hevad khan.. the way he puts chips in the middle

doyle.. old knt won back 2 back sng thinks hes a ***** god

helmuth.. if i ever play with him and he has a go ill show him what having a go really is fkng ***

kathy liebert.. ugly mutt

Posted by ziigysmum

November Nine

Play has started.

WSOP 2009 Final Table

The November Nine date is drawing closer. I enjoy watching the ESPN broadcasts as the field gets whittled down. Begleiter is a real donk which may work in his favor. Unbeknownst to me at the time, I played $1-$2 NL with Antoine Saout at the Venetian some time in July. He was wearing his WSOP wrist band and told us that he was still in the running. Very nice guy and I hope he takes it down.

Baden-Powell would be proud

It's been 3 years

The person that goaded me into starting this blog was none other than the late Bob Lassiter (September 30, 1945 - October 13, 2006). Always remembered.

Cory Zeidman - Douchebag of the Year?

Gary Wise, poker columnist for ESPN.com, writes :

Two weeks before the 2009 World Series of Poker main event, 55-year old Kent Senter was lying on his couch after a particularly tough session of chemotherapy. Senter, a former shipping manager at Lowe's, had seen his hours and disability insurance cut back the day before being diagnosed with multiple melanomas. Clinging to his life, he and his wife Patty had used up their savings to the point where staples like TV, phone service and food on the table were becoming less than a sure thing.

Patty arrived home from work one day, and whispered to Kent the last words he would have expected to hear: "You'll be going to Vegas."

As it turned out, so too would she, along with the three youngest of their four children for a 2½-week adventure that couldn't have happened were it not for the kindness of strangers.

"It was about two years ago," said Senter, now unemployed. "I had an old shoulder injury that kept getting worse. It felt like it had separated. I had the doctor look at it and he was concerned. He took an X-ray and thought I had cancer. In the meantime, I was in the process of transferring from New Jersey to Pittsburgh, so they referred me to an oncologist there. He gave me a clean bill of health, told me I was just getting old."

It turns out the doctor's mistake may end up costing Senter and his loved ones as his doctor explained that he only had six-to-24 months to live.

"It's just the amount of caring I've seen," said Kent. "You know, it's unbelievable. After WSOP tournament director Jack Effel made an announcement about me, I got a standing ovation. Strangers came up to me and wished me well … so many strangers. They see what I'm going through. The passion they had, the caring … it was unbelievable. It really picked me up. I just can't say enough. I have to wonder if there's any other community where people would care so much."

Here are some of Cory Zeidman's thoughts on the negatives of the 2009 WSOP, as published in All In magazine (Volume VI, Issue 7, 2009) :

"But it gets worse. During his opening announcements, Effel also informed the room that one of the participants had just recently been diagnosed with cancer. I thought that Effel was going to follow with something positive about that person maybe finding out the cancer was in remission, but no, Effel was asking for a round of applause for this person having cancer and participating in this event. Look, I feel horrible for this poor guy who has cancer, but at the start of my Main Event I didn't need to be reminded of the people I know or knew who have or had cancer. We're there to play poker, have fun, and compete for millions of dollars; we're not there to be depressed. Lots of people play in the Main Event who have handicaps, or have recently received bad news about their health. There's no reason whatsoever to single this guy out and ruin our mood like that.

Effel needs to get a clue. Maybe next year, before he shows up at the Rio, a visit to the Land of Oz with the scarecrow is in order."

Cory Zeidman wears Full Tilt insignia in public appearances (eg. Poker After Dark). I cannot reconcile this with other Full Tilt pros like Phil Gordon and Rafe Furst, who host annual "Bad Beat on Cancer" fundraising tournaments. I strongly urge Full Tilt to disassociate themselves from Mr. Zeidman.

Aces cracked, tournament hopes dashed

My opponent pushed pre-flop. When I saw the 8 on the flop, I knew I was doomed. The quiet summer night was interrupted by my loud and prolonged anguished howl, but other than that, I took it pretty well.

Blogger freeroll

Thank you, Pokerstars, for inviting me to play in a special "WCOOP Bloggers Freeroll" being held on Sunday, August 30, at 12:45 ET.

This special invitation-only freeroll will award 18 seats into the World Championship of Online Poker (WCOOP) Event #6, a $109 event which has a $1 million guaranteed prize pool.

In other news, I have hired a life coach to help me get out of my current slump. He is well-known on the West Coast, and sleeps in the bunk above me.

Primm and proper

Last weekend I ventured down to Buffalo Bill's in Primm, about 35 miles south of Las Vegas. They have a $2-$6 spread limit hold'em game in their little poker room, a pleasant change from the popular albeit hectic no limit genre. I was fortunate enough to be playing at the table that participated in a bad beat jackpot and won an extra $790. Good times.

SoxLover wins the T-shirt

Congratulations to SoxLover who correctly solved the set over set over set conundrum posed in the previous post. Another way of looking at it is :

There are C(46,3) total possible flops = 15180

Of these, 2 * 2 * 2, or 8 will contain the requisite match

Therefore the probability is 8/15180 = 0.000527

SoxLover, if you change your mind about the T-shirt, send me your neck and member size.

Set over set over set on the flop

I was witness to a huge pot when 3 players went all-in on a flop of

Q 7 3

As it transpired, each had flopped a set. Given that 3 players have 3 different pairs and see the flop, what is the probability of each flopping a set?

The first correct answer will win a designer T-shirt (see below).

The second nuts

Why do I bother to play J7? True it was late position and I was up against a loose aggressive bluffer. The flop came

8 9 T rainbow

and we got it all-in on the turn. I lost my stack when the fuckstick showed his QJ.

2009 Bodog Mini Poker Series

Didn't finagle your way into the WSOP Main Event? Couldn't make it out to Vegas for the 106 degree oven heat? Fret not, online poker comes to the rescue. The 2009 Bodog Mini Poker Series comprises a series of 13 $10+$1 tournaments that run from Friday, July 3rd to Wednesday, July 15th 2009. The top 30% of finishers in each qualifying tournament will earn points based on their finish and these points will be used to rank players.

The prizes range from a 2010 WSOP Main Event Seat down to T$162. Naturally, a Tournament Leader Board will be available throughout the course of the series, which will provide the point totals for every player that has played in the qualifying tournaments.

And for those of you degenerates who would still like to place prop bets on the current WSOP, look no further than here.

Sponsorship

Next month (July 12) I'm taking part in a charity bike ride to raise funds for Mute Tourette's Syndrome. A friend of mine has a 6-year-old son that suffers from this and we are raising funds to pay for a year's therapy.

Mute Tourette's Syndrome has long been hidden in the shadow of its more "famous" sister-disease, "Tourette's Syndrome", and although much rarer, is even more tragic in its consequences. While a child suffering from Tourette's has difficulty in containing his anger and frustration, a child with Mute Tourette's suffers a worse fate, and is unable to express his true feelings.

The Mute Tourette's Foundation is using radical new art therapy techniques to help combat the frustration and loneliness of Mute Tourette's. However, their work can only continue with your help.

Just 50 cents will keep a child supplied with crayons and paper for a whole day. $3 will provide them with enough art supplies for a week. I would be extremely grateful for any help toward such a deserving cause.

Below is a picture demonstrating how the donations received so far have been put to good use.

WSOP Main Event?

Desperately short of funds, I am frantically trying to satellite my way into this year's WSOP Main Event. Using all the connections I have in this town, I managed to land a part time job at the Las Vegas Zoo last week and can be partially seen in the photo below. It is taxing work but I should have enough for one satellite by June 28th.

Volunteerism

In between lengthy poker sessions and probation appeal hearings, I still find time to volunteer for worthy causes.

Free at last!

Sorry for the lack of posting, but I was just released from a mandatory 20-day holding period in the Clark County Detention Center after the trumped up charges of "impersonating a poker player in the generic sense" were finally dismissed.

I wish to thank my legal team, the local Salvation Army, and the detainees who listened patiently while I expounded daily on the merits of the Independent Chip Model (ICM).

Suited Straights and Suitors

I had a wild Easter weekend punctuated by a high hand jackpot for a club straight flush, and a badly misplayed hand in which my set and stack went down to a straight.

In other financial news, I have it on good authority that the successful suitor for Chrysler will be IKEA.

Conservation of Poker Mass

For every nice person I meet at the table, there is always a jerk or angleshooter acting as a counterbalance.

Tequila

They say you should never drink while playing poker. After last night, I say you should never drink, period.

Capitalism at its finest

Las Vegas is being hit hard by layoffs. In the case of Wynn, management makes every effort to prevent laying off workers by reducing work hours and other belt tightening measures. MGM Mirage management, on the other hand, does not consider making any personal sacrifices and has decided that all the others underneath them shouldn't either, so they have no compunction in letting hundreds of workers go. Different philosophies which are reflected in MGM's declining employee morale, local patronage and share price.

Happy Square Root Day

Today (03/03/09) is Square Root Day. The next one will be in 7 years (04/04/16).

On a completely unrelated note, I have been charged with impersonating a poker player in the generic sense, and am raising funds for a prolonged legal battle.

Dog for sale

A friend has asked me to help sell her pet, an excellent guard dog. She can't afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.

Most of them knew him as 'Holy Shit'.

Still struggling

Sorry for the break in posting, but not much happening here. I made some money last week volunteering for a medical outfit testing a new drug for insomnia. I don't have insomnia but needed the money. Fell asleep like a baby so everyone was happy. I spend most weekends sign twirling for a brothel in Pahrump. Unfortunately these revenue streams are only sufficient to ward off hunger and I'm still unable to scrape together a minimum buy-in for a decent $1-$2 game.

Trivia

Q: What is the capital of Iceland?

A: $25.

Stimulus package

New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo may demand the return of $4 billion in bonuses paid by Merrill Lynch & Co just before it was acquired by Bank of America.

Here is a leading Harvard economist expounding on current events :

Joe > Shingles

Very little poker lately as I fight off a peanut butter induced case of what appears to be, and certainly smells like, salmonella poisoning. At this very moment, teams from the CDC are scraping stool swabs off the sides of my cardboard box, while I lie here writhing in spasmodic pain. Probably worse than the shingles outbreak I had a couple of years ago, but not as bad as the 1-outer that cunt Joe rivered me with last August.

A fresh start

Hopefully 2009 will bring our aspirations to fruition.

Records are meant to be broken

According to Reuters, a player with English minor league club Chippenham Town has set a record for the fastest red card in senior soccer when he was sent off for a wild tackle three seconds after kickoff, British media reported on Monday.

Striker David Pratt, 21, was dismissed in a Southern Premier League game against Bashley on Saturday.

The previous fastest sending-off is generally accepted to be 10 seconds for Bologna’s Giuseppe Lorenzo after he struck an opponent in a 1990 Italian league game.

English soccer’s previous “best” was 13 seconds when Sheffield Wednesday goalkeeper Kevin Pressman handled outside his box in a game in 2000.

Also in 2000 an English amateur player, Lee Todd, was sent off after two seconds when he responded to the referee’s whistle to start the game by saying “fuck me, that was loud” and was dismissed for foul and abusive language.

Global warming?

It started snowing heavily in Las Vegas today. I had no idea until the top of my cardboard box collapsed under the weight of the slush.

Darn fever

The plan was to go to MGM Grand tonight, meet up with my fellow bloggers who are in town, and play some crazy mixed games. At about 10 this morning, my throat started to hurt. It got worse as the day progressed and now, 12 hours later, I also have a fever and runny, sore eyes. I know what's next...

Blogger Freeroll

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

The WBCOOP is an online Poker tournament open to all Bloggers.

Registration code: 451568

Internet Dating - Wrong Answer

Food for thought

I often wonder why Paradise Poker, even in its heyday, never had a famous poker pro as a front man in its ads.

Honey, where's the remote?

$259 (ouch!)

Hey Google, time to revamp your flawed business models and forget about world domination. If you hurt me, I won't have the money to support your online advertisers, which in turn leads to this :




Your employees, whose stock options are now underwater, must be wondering who screwed up more, Cutts or Yang.

Ask Suze Orman

Q: How do I find a good small-cap fund manager?

A: Find a good large-cap fund manager, and wait.

UIGEA : Standing on the shoulder of midgets

Why regulate Wall Street when it is much easier reining in the online poker industry. The legislation is less complicated and the opposition to it is much less powerful. Why bother straining your brain cells trying to see the ramifications of an unregulated derivatives market run amok, when it is easier imagining some hapless 21-year-old running up a $5,000 credit card bill due to online gambling, possibly dragging himself down in the process. If some of his neighbors were to join in, it could even, God forbid, turn global.

Thank goodness for Leach (a former chairman of the House Banking Committee), Goodlatte, Frist and Kyl, the visionaries who selflessly continue to look out for our interests, using their impressive financial acumen to ward off one of the most complex economic perils ever to threaten the global monetary system since the Great Depression of 1929 by taking the appropriate legislative countermeasures. Is there any doubt that the 2009 Nobel Prize for Economics has their names written on it?

The 2008 WSOP Final Table, finally

Sunday night and I'm following Bluff's coverage and Pauly's. 4 left out of the original November Nine. For some reason this year is different - I am only mildly interested. Also preparing myself for a busy week, with visits scheduled to the Salvation Army, Nevada Social Services and my neighborhood bookie.

Quiz

Which one is rigged?

(i) My elimination from the Sunday Full Tilt $750K



or

(ii) The recent Bute vs. Andrade fight

Deja vu

Sunday night and another sea of red as Asian markets plunge, setting the tone for Europe to continue the freefall, leaving the American markets little choice. My disposable income was non-existent even before this crisis, but I imagine that many people will be starting to feel the effects of this global squeeze, meaning less visits to Vegas, Atlantic City and Monte Carlo.

So what does a poker player do? Organize home games of course! It is an economically attractive alternative to casino patronage, and all the requisites for setting yourself up can be found on one website, Nevada Jacks. Poker cards, table covers, poker tables, quality poker chips can all be ordered here at very cheap prices. And the chips are true clay poker chips, with the same quality and materials as used by many Las Vegas casinos. So what are you waiting for? Take advantage of the great customer service and top-class products found at Nevada Jacks and set yourself up for the ultimate home game experience. Your friends will thank you for it.

Man of the Year 2008 - Senator Bill Frist

A little early, I know, but I can't see anyone surpassing the uncanny foresight of Bill Frist, who anticipated the immense global financial threat posed by the unregulated credit default swap market online poker industry, and helped prevent an international meltdown with the introduction of critical pre-emptive legislation.

We owe our collective jobs, homes, retirement benefits and general sense of economic well-being to this great fucktard visionary.

LeTune follows LeCheese

15 minutes to the start of LeTune Challenge I, a freeroll for bloggers courtesy of Joe from RakeBrain. I was fortunate enough to be invited again, thank you Joe and RakeBrain.

(40 minutes later .... )

I was eliminated in 24th place. I have no business playing PLO. What was really frustrating was that Full Tilt does not allow chat if you have no real money balance, which I don't. So if I didn't say hi to you, or didn't respond to your greetings, this is why :

Bob Lassiter (tampa)

If anyone is to blame for this blog, it is Bob Lassiter. It was he who encouraged me to start this little venture. Exactly two years have flown by since his passing and I still miss the bastard.

The new glossary of Wall Street terminology

After a series of calamitous days on Wall Street, I sit here watching the Nikkei and other Asian markets continuing the freefall in order for Wall Street to get an inkling in which direction to trade tomorrow morning. In the meantime, I am brushing up on the latest vernacular:


BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.


BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.


VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.


P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.


BROKER - What my broker has made me.


STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.


STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.


STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.


FINANCIAL PLANNER - A guy whose phone has been disconnected.


MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.


CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.


YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.


WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @$240 per share.


INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.


PROFIT - An archaic word no longer in use.

The blame game

In written testimony to a congressional panel submitted today, a former chief executive of AIG blamed its woes on shorts. Yeah, like it's the dealer's fault that I got rivered. That dick Fuld from Lehman also appeared arrogant and unrepentant at yesterday's hearing.

These guys should be taken 30,000 feet up in a plane, and then offered the choice between their golden parachute and a real one.

"Poker Fiction"

Poker Grump, a Las Vegas-based prolific and high-quality blogger, has been obsessively picking apart erroneous ESPN "Poker Fact" segments. So it was somewhat surprising that we were not privy to one of his posts after yesterday's "Poker Fact" declaring that "72 offsuit was the worst starting hand in hold'em".

Absent any other assumptions (and there weren't any), 32 offsuit is the worst hand. I'm thinking hot and cold Sklansky-Chubukov, and not a limit hold'em simulation with betting on all streets.