FCUK in chat results in automated warning

After a very demoralizing session, heavily punctuated with coolers, bad beats and suckouts, I decided to reach out to the boys who work behind the scenes at Full Tilt. Hopefully the Chat Monitor will be kind enough to pass on my message.

Online Capers VII

1the, an up and coming, non-shortstacking multitabler from Russia, thinks he's found nirvana. He calls my $9 c-bet on the flop when he's a 95% dog, and then watches while 2 running clubs are pulled out of the accommodating arse of the FTP RNG to give him the stone cold nuts, and my stack, on the river. I bite my lip, and then my mousepad.

Online Capers VI

Just to prove that atrocious card players are evenly spread geographically, today's guest, goatherder CarpeDiemRS, comes to us from rural Bosnia and Herzegovina. When not busy chasing goats or flushes, he fills in as the village idiot on a per diem basis.

Online Capers V

A preflop raise wasn't enough to prevent ADASTRAPERASPE, whose IP address has been tracked to a Northern Italian mental institution, from calling with Q8o and cracking my KK. I put the imbecile on AQ when the money went in on the flop. Perhaps I could have gotten away from the hand.

We have a winner!

It's official, I have won 2 free hours of poker coaching from Jeremy "Oldschool" Steinhausen. First session is tomorrow at 12:00 noon. Hopefully everything will be set up in the library on time. Just to be on the safe side, I'll be going round to that old hag's place tonight, with rubber gloves and garden hose in tow.

Free coaching?

Oldschool, one of the poker coaches on 2+2, has offered 2 hours of free coaching for the best original funny story posted in his thread about why someone would need his coaching. I just submitted the truth :

I currently live at St. Luke's, a homeless shelter in east Las Vegas. Having completely depleted my poker bankroll and in desperate need of funds, I am seeking alternative revenue streams and to that end am now training to be a colon hydrotherapist. I have managed to download Full Tilt at a public library, thanks in no small part to a cooperative librarian to whom I promised a free colonic cleansing. I tried convincing her to install the 15-day free trial of HEM as well, but alas she would only do it after the colonic.

[x] Old rubber gloves
[x] St. Luke's garden hose
[ ] Appropriate facility

After an initial 27 BI downswing and a 150k breakeven stretch, I'm crushing 1/2 Rush (4-tabling, FR, play money) and feel I am ready to move up to 5/10. All this without TableNinja, hotkeys and auto Timebank. I am, however, wary of the pitfalls associated with a higher limit and would therefore like some coaching before undertaking such a move.

I realize that a comprehensive DB analysis is necessary and have devised a plan whereby I utilize an unknown Wi-Fi spot in the library, and together with a CAT-5 cable tied around one of my tooth fillings to intercept high frequency radio transmission, and a USB flash drive to transfer my hand history folder, we can temporarily avail ourselves of HEM's free trial and conduct a fruitful first session.

[x] Tooth filling
[ ] $5 CAT-5 cable
[ ] $7 USB flash drive
[x] Initiative

I have no cell phone but will soon be able to be contacted via a homing pigeon that I am training.

[x] oldschool lives in contiguous USA

The winner will be announced at the end of February. Let them laugh at me - I could do with some free poker coaching.

Online Capers IV

It seems as if a KK vs AA situation has to come up in nearly every session. Fuck the system architects at Full Tilt who designed the RNG, fuck Cigital, Inc and TST Labs, the 2 companies that evaluated, tested and accredited the randomness of the RNG, and fuck the respective horses they rode in on. If I've left anyone out, then fuck them too.

Online Capers III

In the grand scheme of things, this SB vs. BB hand is insignificant. However I called on the river because the BB's story didn't make sense. Remember, the story you are telling must at least represent something credible in the context of how the hand is played out.


Full Tilt, $0.50/$1 No Limit Hold'em Cash, 9 Players

Hero (SB): $19.25 (19.3 bb)
BB: $162.75 (162.8 bb)
UTG+1: $45.90 (45.9 bb)
UTG+2: $100 (100 bb)
MP1: $32 (32 bb)
MP2: $111.65 (111.7 bb)
MP3: $232.30 (232.3 bb)
CO: $20.70 (20.7 bb)
BTN: $277.40 (277.4 bb)

Preflop: Hero is SB with Ah 8s
7 folds, Hero completes, BB checks

Flop: ($2) 9h Js 8c (2 players)
Hero checks, BB checks

Turn: ($2) 5h (2 players)
Hero bets $1, BB calls $1

River: ($4) Jh (2 players)
Hero checks, BB bets $3.50, Hero calls $3.50

Results: $11 pot ($0.55 rake)
Final Board: 9h Js 8c 5h Jh
Hero showed Ah 8s and won $10.45 ($4.95 net)
BB showed 4c 7s and lost (-$5.50 net)

Online Capers II

This time we have toooh1, a Northern American idiot (Canada actually) with a VPIP of 44%, who calls my preflop raise with J8s, gets checkraised on the flop and calls with a straight draw, decides to continue chasing by calling a hefty $22.50 turn bet when the pot is $30.40, and then is rewarded for his stubborn persistence with a river card that completes his straight.

False positive?

Got this popup while surfing on 2+2. I did not press OK, in fact I was even scared to close it myself. Instead I opened up Windows Task Manager and ended the application from there. It listed itself as AVG - Windows Explorer, but in fact is malware trying to install itself when activated.

I found this on the interwebs (links intentionally deleted) :

The malware comes from this link : http:// XXXXXXXX.com/

XXXXXXXX redirects to YYYYYYYY.com in my case. The site displays a popup via JavaScript which says: "AV8 has found suspicious activity on your pc and will perform some action on your pc." It does fake virus scan, displays a fake Windows Security Alert, and then downloads a variant of Win32/Kryptik.IMZ trojan:

http:// YYYYYYYY.com/load/ZZZZZZZZZ.exe

Online Capers I

I bet the flop and was raised all-in. I would bury my head in shame had I won this pot in a live setting. But in the anonymity afforded by online play, ikkeno1, a Northern European idiot (Norway actually), gets another fillip to his bankroll before it, and him, dwindle into inevitable obscurity.

gg B&M?

For the first time in many years, I'm looking at getting into more serious online play. Clearly there are advantages to both forms, but $2-$5 at the Venetian is packed with regs and is getting harder to beat. Plus the commute will be shorter.

I know I will be facing more suckouts per hour playing online, but at least I won't be dealt cooler after cooler by that affected whore, Xiulian.

Gambling Tales Podcast returns

The Gambling Tales Podcast is back "on the air" with new shows weekly. Special K and Falstaff are the ones to blame. They will focus on a single topic each week, and will also reveal the password to their weekly Thursday Full Tilt freeroll tournament. I am now trying to get my hands on some headphones so that I can listen to one of these in the public library I frequent.

Table lag?

"Where was that flop last hand?"

I hear this at least once every time I play live. A player will bemoan the fact that the current flop is what he sorely needed in the previous hand in which he probably lost. The dealer or another player will then chime in with "Flop lag", everyone smiles and the game continues.

When multitabling online a similar situation can occur, only it is inter-table and concurrent.

Cowboys Full: The Story of Poker

I don't recall ever having read a history book. That is until I got my hands on Cowboys Full, a colorful and comprehensive description of how poker evolved into the popular game it is today. Author James McManus combines academic research with a gift for the narrative to produce a book which kept my interest from the first page to the very end.

Whether he's grinding online or playing live, a poker player at least owes it to himself to find out the origins of what he's spending hours, days and years on.

Read the book - you won't be disappointed.

Poker Hall of Shame VI

Today was the second time I played at the Aria. I was involved in a hand with a regular in which I lost a huge pot. The details are irrelevant but suffice it to say that it was a very ugly beat. Immediately afterwards, it was difficult discerning who had the larger smirk, the scumbag dealer Michael as he pushed the pot, or the smug regular. Way to go Aria! Way to go Altweis!

Evolutionary anthropology

This has yet to be confirmed by any official scientific body, but last night at South Point I sighted a previously unknown species that genetically links the Cro-Magnons with the Neanderthals - in the form of Claudio the dealer. International teams of forensic anthropologists and radiocarbon dating experts are being dispatched to Las Vegas as we speak.

Rebel Oil Racing Fuel

Even worse than the bad beats at the Venetian this morning was the near collision I experienced the previous night (Monday, November 22, 9:58pm), when a Rebel Oil double-tanker truck failed to yield at the I-215 and Windmill entrance, and sped through inches past me like in a scene from Duel. A friend jotted down his registration (Nevada 446741) while I regained my composure.

Spurious correlation?

I had no idea that early Tuesday morning at the Venetian was F.U.D.C* Day. First that bitch Lisa deals me KhQh, puts out an all-heart flop, but not before making sure that my opponent has Ah6h. Then that prick Fernando sees to it that I'm beaten on the river by an obvious bluffer who makes his gutshot straight.

You've been warned - if they're fat and ugly and it's Tuesday morning, get up and take a walk for 30 minutes.


* Fat Ugly Dealer Cooler

We have a winner

Canadian Jonathan Duhamel, the incoming chip leader, won the 2010 WSOP Main Event bracelet. Equally impressive was John Racener (pictured below) who folded his way into second place.


                             (Courtesy of nonecks from 2+2)