Sunday, June 15, 2008

Please stop calling!

By all rights, I should have a quiet Father's Day as I have no children. Yet with alarming regularity, this peaceful Sunday is always shattered by phone calls from all over the world.

It started at 6:35am with a "Hyvää Isänpäivää" (Happy Father's Day) from a young Finn claiming to be my long lost 15-year-old son. "Äitisi nai poroja" (your mother fucks reindeers) I mumbled and went back to sleep. At 7:23am I heard some Dutch kid yelling "Vrolijke vaderdag" and promptly dispatched him with a "Je moeder is een hoer" (your mother is a hooker).

This continued all morning with greetings in Thai (สุขสันต์วันพ่อ), Persian (روز پدر مبارک ), Turkish (Babalar günün kutlu olsun), Hungarian (Boldog apák napját), French (Bonne fête Papa) and many others. As is my custom, I "thanked" them all in their respective languages.

What are they trying to tell me? That their whorish mothers lied to me years ago when they promised they were practicing birth control? That I happenstanced upon the 1 packet of condoms that didn't fall within the 99.9999% quality control specifications? That I was the victim of a swallow and switch? I'm not buying any of it.


SoxLover said...

Boldog apák napját indeed. Do not think your humor is unappreciated as I snort beer through my nose while vacationing in Budapest reading your post--I wish I saw this ealier.

Mr Subliminal said...

At first I kept a list of all these bastards on a Rolodex, but with the steady increase in lost spawn coming forward each year, I was forced to migrate the data to an Oracle database in 2005.

Enjoy Budapest. I seem to have.

Dillo said...

You are one seriously twisted f#ck!