Now Chao mucks fe up

Last time it was Tony, this time that chickhead Dao sticks a $700 fork into me. Cucking funt! And to top it off, I catch the flu from bucking Fill who decides to come in to deal despite being sick. Pucking Fouth Soint!

Cracked aces, Spooner and Cinderella

I get dealt back to back aces by Tony and they're both crucking facked. 2 hours later I'm at home, still muttering to myself. Tucking Fony! Fortunately I have the presence of mind to do what I always do when I need to calm down - read Ronnie Barker's version of Cinderella :


This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards.

One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.

"Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

5 most tilting pros?

2+2 has a thread about the 5 poker pros that tilt you the most. I found the following posts humorous even though they do not necessarily reflect my own views.

Annie Duke - loves her own voice, doesnt let others have their say, is a complete tool imo. She's also a UB c*cksucker. Pokerlistings says shes "articulate and attractive" wrong on both accounts.

Phil Laak - can't stand the bloke, I wouldnt p*ss on him if he was on fire. Talks so much crap loves the camera's too much. Once in a documentary he got on his high horse because this guy said the word f*ck. Get a grip.

David Williams - absolute turd, toothpick, remember him in a barryg video on pokerroad saying he was from the ghetto, obvs trying to making him sound cool.

Humberto Brenes - Should be run over by a bus then fed to sharks, this must be filmed on camera and shown before every main event.

Phil Hellmuth - has the attitude of an 8 year old with special needs. Also he somehow always manages to get the rules bent for him when he goes off one on. Would probably sell his own mum if he got paid enough.

Posted by FastFuse

durrr ... on hsp when he rocks back and forth slightly.. faaaarkk

laak... id love to break this kunts nose

esfandiari... makes me sick to the point i once chucked my laptop on the floor ( coupled with laak FMD!! with their pushups and c...sucking antics; weeeee, zipping up head )

harrington... looks like a senile old fk, i nearly came when my mate pretty much stacked him in wsopme with qq on an ak board

jean robert.... insta start a fight if i ever see him

scotty... thinks hes a ***** triad

raymer,,, fat knt

pretty much every poker player tilts the fkk out of me, with their ***** staredowns and WOWS and nice hands and sirs and tapping of the ***** table and one times and so sicks fffffaaaaaarrkkkk

honerable mentions online.. ***** checkboxes[], this, owned,pawned,nh,ty,vnh

get fked

tod brunson.. the way he puts chips in the middle

hevad khan.. the way he puts chips in the middle

doyle.. old knt won back 2 back sng thinks hes a ***** god

helmuth.. if i ever play with him and he has a go ill show him what having a go really is fkng ***

kathy liebert.. ugly mutt

Posted by ziigysmum

November Nine

Play has started.

WSOP 2009 Final Table

The November Nine date is drawing closer. I enjoy watching the ESPN broadcasts as the field gets whittled down. Begleiter is a real donk which may work in his favor. Unbeknownst to me at the time, I played $1-$2 NL with Antoine Saout at the Venetian some time in July. He was wearing his WSOP wrist band and told us that he was still in the running. Very nice guy and I hope he takes it down.

Baden-Powell would be proud

It's been 3 years

The person that goaded me into starting this blog was none other than the late Bob Lassiter (September 30, 1945 - October 13, 2006). Always remembered.

Cory Zeidman - Douchebag of the Year?

Gary Wise, poker columnist for ESPN.com, writes :

Two weeks before the 2009 World Series of Poker main event, 55-year old Kent Senter was lying on his couch after a particularly tough session of chemotherapy. Senter, a former shipping manager at Lowe's, had seen his hours and disability insurance cut back the day before being diagnosed with multiple melanomas. Clinging to his life, he and his wife Patty had used up their savings to the point where staples like TV, phone service and food on the table were becoming less than a sure thing.

Patty arrived home from work one day, and whispered to Kent the last words he would have expected to hear: "You'll be going to Vegas."

As it turned out, so too would she, along with the three youngest of their four children for a 2½-week adventure that couldn't have happened were it not for the kindness of strangers.

"It was about two years ago," said Senter, now unemployed. "I had an old shoulder injury that kept getting worse. It felt like it had separated. I had the doctor look at it and he was concerned. He took an X-ray and thought I had cancer. In the meantime, I was in the process of transferring from New Jersey to Pittsburgh, so they referred me to an oncologist there. He gave me a clean bill of health, told me I was just getting old."

It turns out the doctor's mistake may end up costing Senter and his loved ones as his doctor explained that he only had six-to-24 months to live.

"It's just the amount of caring I've seen," said Kent. "You know, it's unbelievable. After WSOP tournament director Jack Effel made an announcement about me, I got a standing ovation. Strangers came up to me and wished me well … so many strangers. They see what I'm going through. The passion they had, the caring … it was unbelievable. It really picked me up. I just can't say enough. I have to wonder if there's any other community where people would care so much."

Here are some of Cory Zeidman's thoughts on the negatives of the 2009 WSOP, as published in All In magazine (Volume VI, Issue 7, 2009) :

"But it gets worse. During his opening announcements, Effel also informed the room that one of the participants had just recently been diagnosed with cancer. I thought that Effel was going to follow with something positive about that person maybe finding out the cancer was in remission, but no, Effel was asking for a round of applause for this person having cancer and participating in this event. Look, I feel horrible for this poor guy who has cancer, but at the start of my Main Event I didn't need to be reminded of the people I know or knew who have or had cancer. We're there to play poker, have fun, and compete for millions of dollars; we're not there to be depressed. Lots of people play in the Main Event who have handicaps, or have recently received bad news about their health. There's no reason whatsoever to single this guy out and ruin our mood like that.

Effel needs to get a clue. Maybe next year, before he shows up at the Rio, a visit to the Land of Oz with the scarecrow is in order."

Cory Zeidman wears Full Tilt insignia in public appearances (eg. Poker After Dark). I cannot reconcile this with other Full Tilt pros like Phil Gordon and Rafe Furst, who host annual "Bad Beat on Cancer" fundraising tournaments. I strongly urge Full Tilt to disassociate themselves from Mr. Zeidman.

Aces cracked, tournament hopes dashed

My opponent pushed pre-flop. When I saw the 8 on the flop, I knew I was doomed. The quiet summer night was interrupted by my loud and prolonged anguished howl, but other than that, I took it pretty well.

Blogger freeroll

Thank you, Pokerstars, for inviting me to play in a special "WCOOP Bloggers Freeroll" being held on Sunday, August 30, at 12:45 ET.

This special invitation-only freeroll will award 18 seats into the World Championship of Online Poker (WCOOP) Event #6, a $109 event which has a $1 million guaranteed prize pool.

In other news, I have hired a life coach to help me get out of my current slump. He is well-known on the West Coast, and sleeps in the bunk above me.

Primm and proper

Last weekend I ventured down to Buffalo Bill's in Primm, about 35 miles south of Las Vegas. They have a $2-$6 spread limit hold'em game in their little poker room, a pleasant change from the popular albeit hectic no limit genre. I was fortunate enough to be playing at the table that participated in a bad beat jackpot and won an extra $790. Good times.

SoxLover wins the T-shirt

Congratulations to SoxLover who correctly solved the set over set over set conundrum posed in the previous post. Another way of looking at it is :

There are C(46,3) total possible flops = 15180

Of these, 2 * 2 * 2, or 8 will contain the requisite match

Therefore the probability is 8/15180 = 0.000527

SoxLover, if you change your mind about the T-shirt, send me your neck and member size.

Set over set over set on the flop

I was witness to a huge pot when 3 players went all-in on a flop of

Q 7 3

As it transpired, each had flopped a set. Given that 3 players have 3 different pairs and see the flop, what is the probability of each flopping a set?

The first correct answer will win a designer T-shirt (see below).

The second nuts

Why do I bother to play J7? True it was late position and I was up against a loose aggressive bluffer. The flop came

8 9 T rainbow

and we got it all-in on the turn. I lost my stack when the fuckstick showed his QJ.

2009 Bodog Mini Poker Series

Didn't finagle your way into the WSOP Main Event? Couldn't make it out to Vegas for the 106 degree oven heat? Fret not, online poker comes to the rescue. The 2009 Bodog Mini Poker Series comprises a series of 13 $10+$1 tournaments that run from Friday, July 3rd to Wednesday, July 15th 2009. The top 30% of finishers in each qualifying tournament will earn points based on their finish and these points will be used to rank players.

The prizes range from a 2010 WSOP Main Event Seat down to T$162. Naturally, a Tournament Leader Board will be available throughout the course of the series, which will provide the point totals for every player that has played in the qualifying tournaments.

And for those of you degenerates who would still like to place prop bets on the current WSOP, look no further than here.

Sponsorship

Next month (July 12) I'm taking part in a charity bike ride to raise funds for Mute Tourette's Syndrome. A friend of mine has a 6-year-old son that suffers from this and we are raising funds to pay for a year's therapy.

Mute Tourette's Syndrome has long been hidden in the shadow of its more "famous" sister-disease, "Tourette's Syndrome", and although much rarer, is even more tragic in its consequences. While a child suffering from Tourette's has difficulty in containing his anger and frustration, a child with Mute Tourette's suffers a worse fate, and is unable to express his true feelings.

The Mute Tourette's Foundation is using radical new art therapy techniques to help combat the frustration and loneliness of Mute Tourette's. However, their work can only continue with your help.

Just 50 cents will keep a child supplied with crayons and paper for a whole day. $3 will provide them with enough art supplies for a week. I would be extremely grateful for any help toward such a deserving cause.

Below is a picture demonstrating how the donations received so far have been put to good use.

WSOP Main Event?

Desperately short of funds, I am frantically trying to satellite my way into this year's WSOP Main Event. Using all the connections I have in this town, I managed to land a part time job at the Las Vegas Zoo last week and can be partially seen in the photo below. It is taxing work but I should have enough for one satellite by June 28th.

Volunteerism

In between lengthy poker sessions and probation appeal hearings, I still find time to volunteer for worthy causes.

Free at last!

Sorry for the lack of posting, but I was just released from a mandatory 20-day holding period in the Clark County Detention Center after the trumped up charges of "impersonating a poker player in the generic sense" were finally dismissed.

I wish to thank my legal team, the local Salvation Army, and the detainees who listened patiently while I expounded daily on the merits of the Independent Chip Model (ICM).

Suited Straights and Suitors

I had a wild Easter weekend punctuated by a high hand jackpot for a club straight flush, and a badly misplayed hand in which my set and stack went down to a straight.

In other financial news, I have it on good authority that the successful suitor for Chrysler will be IKEA.

Conservation of Poker Mass

For every nice person I meet at the table, there is always a jerk or angleshooter acting as a counterbalance.

Tequila

They say you should never drink while playing poker. After last night, I say you should never drink, period.

Capitalism at its finest

Las Vegas is being hit hard by layoffs. In the case of Wynn, management makes every effort to prevent laying off workers by reducing work hours and other belt tightening measures. MGM Mirage management, on the other hand, does not consider making any personal sacrifices and has decided that all the others underneath them shouldn't either, so they have no compunction in letting hundreds of workers go. Different philosophies which are reflected in MGM's declining employee morale, local patronage and share price.

Happy Square Root Day

Today (03/03/09) is Square Root Day. The next one will be in 7 years (04/04/16).

On a completely unrelated note, I have been charged with impersonating a poker player in the generic sense, and am raising funds for a prolonged legal battle.

Dog for sale

A friend has asked me to help sell her pet, an excellent guard dog. She can't afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.

Most of them knew him as 'Holy Shit'.

Still struggling

Sorry for the break in posting, but not much happening here. I made some money last week volunteering for a medical outfit testing a new drug for insomnia. I don't have insomnia but needed the money. Fell asleep like a baby so everyone was happy. I spend most weekends sign twirling for a brothel in Pahrump. Unfortunately these revenue streams are only sufficient to ward off hunger and I'm still unable to scrape together a minimum buy-in for a decent $1-$2 game.

Trivia

Q: What is the capital of Iceland?

A: $25.

Stimulus package

New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo may demand the return of $4 billion in bonuses paid by Merrill Lynch & Co just before it was acquired by Bank of America.

Here is a leading Harvard economist expounding on current events :

Joe > Shingles

Very little poker lately as I fight off a peanut butter induced case of what appears to be, and certainly smells like, salmonella poisoning. At this very moment, teams from the CDC are scraping stool swabs off the sides of my cardboard box, while I lie here writhing in spasmodic pain. Probably worse than the shingles outbreak I had a couple of years ago, but not as bad as the 1-outer that cunt Joe rivered me with last August.

A fresh start

Hopefully 2009 will bring our aspirations to fruition.